Part V. From His Beginning to Instruct
the Indians at Kaunaumeek, to His Ordination."Friday, April 1, 1743. I rode to Kaunaumeek, near
twenty miles from Stockbridge, where the Indians live with whom I am concerned,
and there lodged on a little heap of straw. I was greatly exercised with
inward trials and distresses all day; and in the evening, my heart was
sunk, and I seemed to have no God to go to. O that God would help me!"
The next five days he was for the most part in a dejected, depressed
state of mind, and sometimes extremely so. He speaks of God's "waves
and billows rolling over his soul;" and of his being ready sometimes
to say, "Surely his mercy is clean gone for ever, and he will be favourable
no more;" and says, the anguish he endured was nameless and inconceivable;
but at the same time speaks thus concerning his distresses, "What God
designs by all my distresses I know not; but this I know, I deserve them
all and thousands more."--He gives an account of the Indians kindly
receiving him, and being seriously attentive to his instructions.
"Thursday, April 7. Appeared to myself exceeding
ignorant, weak, helpless, unworthy, and altogether unequal to my work.
It seemed to me I should never do any service or have any success among
the Indians. My soul was weary of my life; I longed for deaths beyond
measure. When I thought of any godly soul departed, my soul was ready
to envy him his privilege, thinking, 'Oh, when will my turn come! must
it be years first!'--But I know, these ardent desires, at this and other
times, rose partly for want of resignation to God under all miseries;
and so were but impatience. Towards night, I had the exercise of faith
in prayer, and some assistance in writing. O that God would keep me near
him!
"Friday, April 8. Was exceedingly pressed under a sense of
my pride, selfishness, bitterness, and party spirit, in
times past, while I attempted to promote the cause of God. Its vile nature
and dreadful consequences appeared in such odious colours to me, that
my very heart was pained. I saw how poor souls stumbled over it into everlasting
destruction, that I was constrained to make that prayer in the bitterness
of my soul, 'O Lord, deliver me from blood-guiltiness.' I saw my desert
of hell on this account. My soul was full of inward anguish and shame
before God, that I had spent so much time in conversation tending only
to promote a party spirit. Oh, I saw I had not suitably prized
mortification, self-denial, resignation under all adversities, meekness,
love, candour, and holiness of heart and life: and this day was almost
wholly spent in such bitter and soul-afflicting reflections on my past
frames and conduct.--Of late I have thought much of having the kingdom
of Christ advanced in the world; but now I had enough to do within myself.
The Lord be merciful to me a sinner, and wash my soul!
"Saturday, April 9. Remained much in the same state as yesterday;
excepting that the sense of my vileness was not so quick and acute.
"Lord's day, April 10. Rose early in the morning, and walked
out, and spent a considerable time in the woods, in prayer and meditation.
Preached to the Indians, both forenoon and afternoon. They behaved soberly
in general: two or three in particular appeared under some religious concern;
with whom I discoursed privately; and one told me, 'her heart had cried,
ever since she heard me preach first.'"
The next day, he complains of much desertion.
"Tuesday, April 12. Was great oppressed with grief
and shame, reflecting on my past conduct, my bitterness and party
zeal. I was ashamed to think that such a wretch as I had ever preached.--Longed
to be excused from that work. And when my soul was not in anguish and
keen distress, I felt senseless 'as a beast before God,' and felt a kind
of guilty amusement with the least trifles; which still maintained a kind
of stifled horror of conscience, so that I could not rest any more than
a condemned malefactor.
"Wednesday, April 13. My heart was overwhelmed within me:
I verily thought I was the meanest, vilest, most helpless, guilty, ignorant,
benighted creature living. And yet I knew what God had done for my soul,
at the same time: though sometimes I was assaulted with damping doubts
and fears, whether it was possible for such a wretch as I to be in a state
of grace.
"Thursday, April 14. Remained much in the same state as yesterday.
"Friday, April 15. In the forenoon, very disconsolate. In
the afternoon, preached to my people, and was a little encouraged in some
hopes that God might bestow mercy on their souls.--Felt somewhat resigned
to God under all dispensations of his providence.
"Saturday, April 16. Still in the depths of distress.--In
the afternoon, preached to my people; but was more discouraged with them
than before; feared that nothing would ever be done for them to any happy
effect. I retired and poured out my soul to God for mercy; but without
any sensible relief. Soon after came an Irishman and a Dutchman, with
a design, as they said, to hear me preach the next day; but none can tell
how I felt, to hear their profane talk. Oh, I longed that some
dear Christian knew my distress. I got into a kind of hovel, and there
groaned out my complaint to God; and withal felt more sensible gratitude
and thankfulness to God, that he had made me to differ from these men,
as I knew through grace he had.
"Lord's day, April 17. In the morning was again distressed
as soon as I waked, hearing much talk about the world and the things of
it. I perceived the men were in some measure afraid of me; and I discoursed
something about sanctifying the sabbath, if possible to solemnize their
minds: but when they were at a little distance, they again talked freely
about secular affairs. Oh, I thought what a hell it would be, to
live with such men to eternity! The Lord gave me some assistance in preaching,
all day, and some resignation, and a small degree of comfort in prayer
at night."
He continued in this disconsolate frame the next day.
"Tuesday, April 19. In the morning I enjoyed some
sweet repose and rest in God; felt some strength and confidence in him;
and my soul was in some measure refreshed and comforted. Spent most of
the day in writing, and had some exercise of grace, sensible and comfortable.
My soul seemed lifted above the deep waters, wherein it has been
so long almost drowned; felt some spiritual longings and breathings of
soul after God; and found myself engaged for the advancement of Christ's
kingdom in my own soul.
"Wednesday, April 20. Set apart this day for fasting and prayer,
to bow my soul before God for the bestowment of divine grace; especially
that all my spiritual afflictions and inward distresses might be sanctified
to my soul. And endeavoured also to remember the goodness of God to me
the year past, this day being my birth-day. Having obtained help of God,
I have hitherto lived, and am now arrived at the age of twenty-five years.
My soul was pained to think of my barrenness and deadness; that I have
lived so little to the glory of the eternal God. I spent the day in the
woods alone, and there poured out my complaint to God. O that God would
enable me to live to his glory for the future!
"Thursday, April 21. Spent the forenoon in reading and prayer,
and found myself engaged; but still much depressed in spirit under a sense
of my vileness and unfitness for any public service. In the afternoon,
I visited my people, and prayed and conversed with some about their souls'
concerns; and afterwards found some ardour of soul in secret prayer. O
that I might grow up into the likeness of God!
"Friday, April 22. Spent the day in study, reading, and prayer;
and felt a little relieved of my burden, that has been so heavy of late.
But still was in some measure oppressed; and had a sense of barrenness.
Oh, my leanness testifies against me! my very soul abhors itself for its
unlikeness to God, its inactivity and sluggishness. When I have done all,
alas, what an unprofitable servant am I! My soul groans, to see the hours
of the day roll away, because I do not fill them in spirituality and heavenly
mindedness. And yet I long they should speed their pace, to hasten me
to my eternal home, where I may fill up all my moments, through eternity,
for God and his glory."
On Saturday and Lord's day, his melancholy again prevailed;
he complained of his ignorance, stupidity, and senselessness; while yet
he seems to have spent the time with the utmost diligence, in study, in
prayer, in instructing and counselling the Indians. On Monday he
sunk into the deepest melancholy; so that he supposed he never spent a day
in such distress in his life; not in fears of hell, (which, he says, he
had no pressing fear of,) but a distressing sense of his own vileness, &c.
On Tuesday, he expresses some relief. Wednesday he kept as
a day of fasting and prayer, but in great distress. The three days next
following his melancholy continued, but in a less degree, and with intervals,
of comfort. (Footnote: On the last of these days he wrote the first letter
in the collection of his letters among his Remains.)
"Lord's day, May 1. Was at Stockbridge to-day.
In the forenoon had some relief and assistance; though not so much as
usual. In the afternoon felt poorly in body and soul; while I was preaching,
seemed to be rehearsing idle tales, without the least life, fervour, sense,
or comfort; and especially afterwards, at the sacrament, my soul was filled
with confusion, and the utmost anguish that ever I endured, under the
feeling of my inexpressible vileness and meanness. It was a most bitter
and distressing season to me, by reason of the view I had of my own heart,
and the secret abominations that lurk there: I thought the eyes of all
in the house were upon me, and I dared not look my one in the face; for
it verily seemed as if they saw the vileness of my heart, and all the
sins I had ever been guilty of. And if I had been banished from the presence
of all mankind, never to be seen any more, or so much as thought of, still
I should have been distressed with shame; and I should have been ashamed
to see the most barbarous people on earth, because I was viler, and seemingly
more brutishly ignorant, than they.-'I am made to possess the sins of
my youth.'"
The remaining days of this week were spent, for the most part, in
inward distress and gloominess. The next sabbath, he had encouragement,
assistance, and comfort; but on Monday sunk again.
"Tuesday, May 10. Was in the same state, as to
my mind, that I have been in for some time; extremely pressed with a sense
of guilt, pollution, and blindness: 'The iniquity of my heels have compassed
me about; the sins of my youth have been set before me; they have gone
over my head, as a heavy burden, too heavy for me to bear.' Almost all
the actions of my life past seem to be covered over with sin and guilt;
and those of them that I performed in the most conscientious manner, now
fill me with shame and confusion, that I cannot hold up my face. Oh! the
pride, selfishness, hypocrisy, ignorance, bitterness, party-zeal,
and the want of love, candour, meekness, and gentleness,
that have attended my attempts to promote religion and virtue; and this
when I have reason to hope I had real assistance from above, and some
sweet intercourse with heaven! But, alas, what corrupt mixtures attended
my best duties!"
The next seven days his gloom and distress continued for the most
part, but he had some turns of relief and spiritual comfort. He gives an
account of his spending part of this time in hard labour, to build himself
a little cottage to live in amongst the Indians, in which he might
be by himself; having, it seems, hitherto lived with a poor Scotchman, as
he observes in the letter just now referred to; and afterwards, before his
own house was habitable, lived in a wigwam among the Indians.
"Wednesday, May 18. My circumstances are such,
that I have no comfort, of any kind, but what I have in God. I live in
the most lonesome wilderness; have but one single person to converse with,
that can speak English. (Footnote: This person was Mr. Brainerd's interpreter;
who was an ingenious young Indian belonging to Stockbridge, whose name
was John Wauwaumpequunnaunt. He had been instructed in the christian religion
by Mr. Sergeant; had lived with the Reverend Mr. Williams of Long Meadow;
had been further instructed by him, at the charge of Mr. Hollis of London;
and understood both English and Indian very well, and wrote a good hand.)
Most of the talk I hear, is either Highland Scotch or Indian. I have no
fellow-Christian to whom I might unbosom myself, or lay open my spiritual
sorrows; with whom I might take sweet counsel in conversation about heavenly
things, and join in social prayer. I live poorly with regard to the comforts
of life: most of my diet consists of boiled corn, hasty-pudding, &c.
I lodge on a bundle of straw, my labour is hard and extremely difficult,
and I have little appearance of success to comfort me. The Indians have
no land to live on but what the Dutch people lay claim to; and these threaten
to drive them off. They have no regard to the souls of the poor
Indians; and, by what I can learn, they hate me, because I come to preach
to them.--But that which makes all my difficulties grievous to be borne,
is, that God hides his face from me.
"Thursday, May 19. Spent most of this day in close studies;
but was sometimes so distressed that I could think of nothing but my spiritual
blindness, ignorance, pride, and misery. Oh, I have reason to make that
prayer, 'Lord, forgive my sins of youth, and former trespasses.'
"Friday, May 20. Was much perplexed some part of the day;
but towards night, had some comfortable meditations on Isa. xl. 1. 'Comfort
ye, comfort ye,' &c. and enjoyed some sweetness in prayer. Afterwards
my soul rose so far above the deep waters, that I dared to rejoice
in God. I saw there was sufficient matter of consolation in the blessed
God."
The next nine days his burdens were for the most part alleviated,
but with variety; at some times having considerable consolation; and at
others, more depressed. The next day, Monday, May 30, he set out
on a journey to New Jersey, to consult the commissioners who employed him
about the affairs of his mission. (Footnote: His business with the commissioners
now was, to obtain orders from them to set up a school among the Indians
at Kaunaumeek, and that his interpreter might be appointed the schoolmaster;
which was accordingly done.) He performed his journey thither in four
days; and arrived at Mr. Burr's in Newark on Thursday. In great
part of his journey, he was in the depths of melancholy, under distresses
like those already mentioned. On Friday he rode to Elizabeth-town:
and on Saturday to New York; and from thence on his way homewards
as far as White Plains. There he spent the sabbath, and had considerable
degrees of divine consolation and assistance in public services. On Monday
he rode about sixty miles to New-Haven. There he attempted a reconciliation
with the authority of the college; and spent this week in
visiting his friends in those parts, and in his journey homewards, till
Saturday, in a pretty comfortable frame of mind. On Saturday,
in his way from Stockbridge to Kaunaumeek, he was lost in the woods, and
lay all night in the open air; but happily found his way in the morning,
and came to his Indians on Lord's day, June 12, and had greater assistance
in preaching among them than ever before, since his first coming among them.
From this time forward he was the subject of various frames and exercises
of mind: in the general, much after the same manner as hitherto, from his
first coming to Kaunaumeek till he got into his own house, (a little hut,
which he made chiefly with his own hands, by long and hard labour,) which
was near seven weeks from this time. Great part of this space of
time, he was dejected, and depressed with melancholy, sometimes extremely;
his melancholy operating in like manner as related in times past. How it
was with him in those dark seasons, he himself further describes in his
diary for July 2, in the following manner. "My soul is, and has for
a long time been, in a piteous condition, wading through a series of sorrows,
of various kinds. I have been so crushed down sometimes with a sense of
my meanness and infinite unworthiness, that I have been ashamed that any,
even the meanest of my fellow-creatures, should so much as spend a thought
about me; and have wished sometimes, while travelling among the thick brakes,
to drop, as one of them, into everlasting oblivion. In this case, sometimes,
I have almost resolved never again to see any of my acquaintance; and really
thought I could not do it and hold up my face; and have longed for the remotest
region, for a retreat from all my friends, that I might not be seen or heard
of any more.--Sometimes the consideration of my ignorance has been
a means of my great distress and anxiety. And especially my soul has been
in anguish with fear, shame, and guilt, that ever I had preached, or had
any thought that way.--Sometimes my soul has been in distress on feeling
some particular corruptions rise and swell like a mighty torrent, with present
violence; having, at the same time, ten thousand former sins and follies
presented to view, in all their blackness and aggravations.--And these,
while destitute of most of the conveniencies of life, and I may say, of
all the pleasures of it; without a friend to communicate any of my sorrows
to, and sometimes without any place of retirement, where I may unburden
my soul before God, which has greatly contributed to my distress.--Of late,
more especially, my great difficulty has been a sort of carelessness, a
kind of regardless temper of mind, whence I have been disposed to indolence
and trifling; and this temper of mind has constantly been attended with
guilt and shame; so that sometimes I have been in a kind of horror, to find
myself so unlike the blessed God. I have thought I grew worse under all
my trials; and nothing has cut and wounded my soul more than this. Oh, if
I am one of God's chosen, as I trust through infinite grace I am, I find
of a truth, that the righteous are scarcely saved."
It is apparent, that one main occasion of that distressing gloominess of
mind which he was so much exercised with at Kaunaumeek, was reflection on
his past errors and misguided zeal at college, in the beginning of
the late religious commotions. And therefore he repeated his endeavours
this year for reconciliation with the governors of the college, whom he
had at that time offended. Although he had been at New Haven, in June, this
year, and attempted a reconciliation, as mentioned already; yet, in the
beginning of July, he made another journey thither, and renewed his attempt,
but still in vain.
Although he was much dejected great part of that space of time which I am
now speaking of; yet he had many intermissions of his melancholy, and some
seasons of comfort, sweet tranquillity, and resignation of mind, and frequent
special assistance in public services, as appear in his diary. The manner
of his relief from his sorrow, once in particular, is worthy to be mentioned
in his own words, (diary for July 25.) "Had little or no resolution
for a life of holiness; was ready almost to renounce my hopes of living
to God. And oh how dark it looked, to think of being unholy for ever! This
I could not endure. The cry of my soul was, Psal. lxv. 3. 'Iniquities prevail
against me.' But was in some measure relieved by a comfortable meditation
on God's eternity, that he never had a beginning, &c. Whence I was led
to admire his greatness and power, &c. in such a manner, that I stood
still, and praised the Lord for his own glories and perfections; though
I was (and if I should for ever be) an unholy creature, my soul was comforted
to apprehend an eternal, infinite, powerful, holy God.
"Saturday, July 30. Just at night, moved into my
own house, and lodged there that night; found it much better spending
the time alone, than in the wigwam where I was before.
"Lord's day, July 31. Felt more comfortably than some days
past.--Blessed be the Lord, who has now given me a place of retirement.--O
that I might find God in it, and that he would dwell with me for
ever!
"Monday, Aug. 1. Was still busy in further labours on my house.--Felt
a little of the sweetness of religion, and thought it was worth the while
to follow after God through a thousand snares, deserts, and death
itself. O that I might always follow after holiness, that I may
be fully conformed to God! Had some degree of sweetness, in secret prayer,
though I had much sorrow.
"Tuesday, Aug. 2. Was still labouring to make myself more
comfortable, with regard to my house and lodging. Laboured under spiritual
anxiety; it seemed to me, I deserved to be kicked out of the world;
yet found some comfort in committing my cause to God. It is good for me
to be afflicted, that I may die wholly to this world, and all that
is in it.
"Wednesday, Aug. 3. Spent most of the day in writing. Enjoyed
some sense of religion. Through divine goodness I am now uninterruptedly
alone; and find my retirement comfortable. I have enjoyed more sense of
divine things within a few days last past, than for some time before.
I longed after holiness, humility, and meekness: O that God would enable
me to 'pass the time of my sojourning here in his fear,' and always live
to him!
"Thursday, Aug. 4. Was enabled to pray much, through the whole
day; and through divine goodness found some intenseness of soul in the
duty, as I used to do, and some ability to persevere in my supplications.
I had some apprehensions of divine things, that were engaging, and which
afforded me some courage and resolution. It is good, I find, to persevere
in attempts to pray, if I cannot pray with perseverance, i.e.
continue long in my addresses to the Divine Being. I have generally
found, that the more I do in secret prayer, the more I have delighted
to do, and have enjoyed more of a spirit of prayer: and frequently
have found the contrary, when with journeying or otherwise I have been
much deprived of retirement. A seasonable, steady performance of SECRET
DUTIES IN THEIR PROPER HOURS, and a CAREFUL IMPROVEMENT OF ALL TIME, filling
up every hour with some profitable labour, either of heart, head, or hands,
are excellent means of spiritual peace and boldness before God.
Christ, indeed, is our peace, and by him we have boldness of
access to God; but a good conscience void of offence, is an
excellent preparation for an approach into the divine presence. There
is difference between self-confidence or a self-righteous pleasing
of ourselves--as with our own duties, attainments, spiritual enjoyments--which
godly souls sometimes are guilty of, and that holy confidence arising
from the testimony of a good conscience, which good Hezekiah had, when
he says, "Remember, O Lord, I beseech thee, how I have walked before
thee in truth, and with a perfect heart.' 'Then (says the holy
psalmist) shall I not be ashamed, when I have respect to all thy commandments.'
Filling up our time with and for God, is the way to rise
up and lie down in peace."
The next eight days he continued for the most part in a very comfortable
frame, having his mind fixed and sweetly engaged in religion; and more than
once blesses God, that he had given him a little cottage, where he
might live alone, and enjoy a happy retirement, free from noise and disturbance,
and could at any hour of the day lay aside all studies, and spend time in
lifting up his soul to God for spiritual blessings.
"Saturday, Aug. 13. Was enabled in secret prayer
to raise my soul to God, with desire and delight. It was indeed a blessed
season to my soul: I found the comfort of being a Christian; and counted
the sufferings of the present life not worthy to be compared with the
glory of divine enjoyments even in this world. All my past sorrows
seemed kindly to disappear, and I 'remembered no more the sorrow, for
joy.'--O, how kindly, and with a filial tenderness, the soul confides
in the Rock of ages, at such a season, that be will 'never leave
it, nor forsake it,' that he will cause 'all things to work together for
its good!' &c. I longed that others should know how good a God the
Lord is. My soul was full of tenderness and love, even to the most inveterate
of my enemies. I longed they should share in the same mercy; and loved
that God should do just as he pleased with me and every thing else. I
felt exceeding serious, calm, and peaceful, and encouraged to press after
holiness as long as I live, whatever difficulties and trials may be in
my way. May the Lord always help me so to do! Amen, and Amen.
"Lord's day, Aug. 14. I had much more freedom in public than
in private. God enabled me to speak with some feeling sense of divine
things; but perceived no considerable effect.
"Monday, Aug. 15. Spent most of the day in labour, to procure
something to keep my horse on in the winter.--Enjoyed not much sweetness
in the morning: was very weak in body through the day, and thought this
frail body would soon drop into the dust: had some very realizing apprehensions
of a speedy entrance into another world. And in this weak state of body,
I was not a little distressed for want of suitable food. I had no bread,
nor could I get any. I am forced to go or send ten or fifteen miles for
all the bread I eat; and sometimes it is mouldy and sour before I eat
it, if I get any considerable quantity. And then again I have none for
some days together, for want of an opportunity to send for it, an cannot
find my horse in the woods to go myself; and this was my case now: but
through divine goodness I had some Indian meal, of which I made
little cakes, and fried them. Yet felt contented with my circumstances,
and sweetly resigned to God. In prayer I enjoyed great freedom; and blessed
God as much for my present circumstances, as if I had been a king; and
thought I found a disposition to be contented in any circumstances.
Blessed be God."
The rest of this week he was exceeding weak in body, and much exercised
with pain; yet obliged from day to day to labour hard, to procure fodder
for his horse. Except some part of the time, he was so very ill, that he
was neither able to work nor study; but speaks of longings after holiness
and perfect conformity to God. He complains of enjoying but little of God;
yet he says, that little was better to him than all the world
besides. In his diary for Saturday, he says, he was somewhat melancholy
and sorrowful in mind; and adds, "I never feel comfortably, but when
I find my soul going forth after God: if I cannot be holy, I must necessarily
be miserable for ever."
"Lord's day, Aug. 21. Was much straitened in the
forenoon-exercise; my thoughts seemed to be all scattered to the ends
of the earth. At noon, I fell down before the Lord, groaned under my vileness,
barrenness, and deadness; and felt as if I was guilty of soul-murder,
in speaking to immortal souls in such a manner as I had then done.--In
the afternoon, God was pleased to give me some assistance, and I was enabled
to set before my hearers the nature and necessity of true repentance,
&c. Afterwards, had some small degree of thankfulness. Was very ill
and full of pain in the evening; and my soul mourned that I had spent
so much time to so little profit.
"Monday, Aug. 22. Spent most of the day in study; and found
my bodily strength in a measure restored. Had some intense and passionate
breathings of soul after holiness, and very clear manifestations of my
utter inability to procure, or work it in myself; it is wholly owing to
the power of God. O, with what tenderness the love and desire of holiness
fills the soul! I wanted to wing out of myself to God, or rather to get
a conformity to him: but, alas! I cannot add to my stature in grace one
cubit. However, my soul can never leave striving for it; or at least groaning
that it cannot strive for it, and obtain more purity of heart.--At night
I spent some time in instructing my poor people. Oh that God would pity
their souls!
"Tuesday, Aug. 23. Studied in the forenoon, and enjoyed some
freedom. In the afternoon, laboured abroad: endeavoured to pray; but found
not much sweetness or intenseness of mind. Towards night, was very weary,
and tired of this world of sorrow: the thoughts of death and immortality
appeared very desirable, and even refreshed my soul. Those lines turned
in my mind with pleasure,
'Come, death, shake hands, I'll kiss thy bands:
'Tis happiness for me to die.
What! dost thou think that I will shrink?
I'll go to immortality.'
In evening prayer God was pleased to draw near my soul, though very sinful
and unworthy: was enabled to wrestle with God, and to persevere in my
requests for grace. I poured out my soul for all the world, friends, and
enemies. My soul was concerned, not so much for souls as such, but rather
for Christ's kingdom, that it might appear in the world, that God might
be known to be God in the whole earth. And, oh, my soul abhorred the very
thought of a party in religion! Let the truth of God appear, wherever
it is; and God have the glory for ever. Amen. This was indeed a comfortable
season. I thought I had some small taste of, and real relish for, the
enjoyments and employments of the upper world. O that my soul was more
attempered to it!
"Wednesday, Aug. 24. Spent some time in the morning in study
and prayer. Afterwards was engaged in some necessary business abroad.
Towards night, found a little time for some particular studies. I thought
if God should say, 'Cease making any provision for this life, for you
shall in a few days go out of time into eternity,' my soul would leap
for joy. O that I may both I 'desire to be dissolved, to be with Christ,'
and likewise 'wait patiently all the days of my appointed time till my
change come!'--But, alas! I am very unfit for the business and blessedness
of heaven.--O for more holiness!
"Thursday, Aug. 25. Part of the day, was engaged in studies;
and part in labour abroad. I find it is impossible to enjoy peace and
tranquillity of mind without a careful improvement of time. This is really
an imitation of God and Christ Jesus: 'My Father worketh hitherto, and
I work,' says our Lord. But still, if we would be like God we must see
that we fill up our time for him.--I daily long to dwell in perfect light
and love. In the mean time, my soul mourns that I make so little progress
in grace, and preparation for the world of blessedness: I see and know
that I am a very barren tree in God's vineyard, and that he might justly
say, 'Cut it down,' &c. O that God would make me more lively and vigorous
in grace, for his own glory! Amen."
The two next days he was much engaged in some necessary labours,
in which he extremely spent himself. He seems these days to have had a great
sense of the vanity of the world, continued longings after holiness, and
more fervency of spirit in the service of God.
"Lord's day, Aug. 28. Was much perplexed with some
irreligious Dutchmen. All their discourse turned upon the things of the
world; which was no small exercise to my mind. Oh, what a hell
it would be to spend an eternity with such men! Well might David say,
'I beheld the transgressors, and was grieved.'--But adored be God, heaven
is a place into which no unclean thing enters.'--Oh, I long for the holiness
of that world! Lord, prepare me for it.'"
The next day he set out on a journey to New York. Was somewhat dejected
the two first days of his journey; but yet seems to have enjoyed
some degrees of the sensible presence of God.
"Wednesday, Aug. 31. Rode down to Bethlehem: was
in a sweet, serious, and, I hope, christian frame, when I came there.
Eternal things engrossed all my thoughts; and I longed to be in the world
of spirits. O how happy is it to have all our thoughts swallowed up in
that world; to feel one's self a serious considerate stranger in this
world, diligently seeking a road through it, the best, the sure road to
the heavenly Jerusalem!
"Thursday, Sept. 1. Rode to Danbury. Was more dull and dejected
in spirit than yesterday. Indeed, I always feet comfortably when God realizes
death, and the things of this world, to my mind: whenever my mind is taken
off from the things of this world, and set on God, my soul is then at
rest."
He went forward on his journey, and came to New York on the next Monday.
And after tarrying there two or three days, he set out from the city
towards New-Haven, intending to be there at the commencement; and on Friday
came to Horse-Neck. In the mean time, he complains much of dulness, and
want of fervour in religion: but yet, from time to time, speaks of his enjoying
spiritual warmth and sweetness in conversation with christian friends, assistance
in public services, &c.
"Saturday, Sept. 10. Rode six miles to Stanwich,
and preached to a considerable assembly of people. Had some assistance
and freedom, especially towards the close. Endeavoured much afterwards,
in private conversation, to establish holiness, humility, meekness, &c.
as the essence of true religion; and to moderate some noisy sort of persons,
that appeared to me to be acted by unseen spiritual pride. Alas, what
extremes men incline to run into!--Returned to Horse-Neck, and felt some
seriousness and sweet solemnity in the evening.
"Lord's day, Sept. 11. In the afternoon I preached from Tit.
iii. 8. 'This is a faithful saying, and these things,' &c. I think
God never helped me more in painting true religion, and in detecting clearly,
and tenderly discountenancing, false appearances of religion, wild-fire
party zeal, spiritual pride, &c. as well as a confident dogmatical
spirit, and its spring, viz. ignorance of the heart.--In
the evening took much pains in private conversation to suppress some confusions,
that I perceived were amongst that people.
"Monday, Sept. 12. Rode to Mr. Mills's at Ripton. Had some
perplexing hours; but was some part of the day very comfortable. It is
'through great trials,' I see, 'that we must enter the gates of paradise.'
If my soul could but be holy, that God might not be dishonoured, methinks
I could bear sorrows.
"Tuesday, Sept. 13. Rode to New-Haven. Was sometimes dejected;
not in the sweetest frame. Lodged at ****. Had some profitable christian
conversation, &c.--I find, though my inward trials were great, and
a life of solitude gives them greater advantage to settle, and penetrate
to the very inmost recesses of the soul; yet it is better to be alone,
than encumbered with noise and tumult. I find it very difficult maintaining
any sense of divine things while removing from place to place, diverted
with new objects, and filled with care and business. A settled steady
business is best adapted to a life of strict religion.
"Wednesday, Sept. 14. This day I ought to have taken my degree;
(Footnote: This being commencement day.) but God sees fit to deny
it me. And though I was greatly afraid of being overwhelmed with perplexity
and confusion, when I should see my class-mates take theirs; yet,
at the very time, God enabled me with calmness and resignation to say,
'The will of the Lord be done.' Indeed, through divine goodness, I have
scarcely felt my mind so calm, sedate, and comfortable for some time.
I have long feared this season, and expected my humility, meekness, patience,
and resignation would be much tried: (Footnote: His trial was the greater,
in that, had it not been for the displeasure of the governors of the college,
he would not only on that day have shared with his class-mates in the
public honours which they then received, but would on that occasion have
appeared at the head of that class: which, if he had been with
them, would have been the most numerous of any that ever had been graduated
at that college.) but found much more pleasure and divine comfort than
I expected.--Felt spiritually serious, tender, and affectionate in private
prayer with a dear christian friend to-day.
"Thursday, Sept. 15. Had some satisfaction in hearing the
ministers discourse, &c. It is always a comfort to me, to hear religious
and spiritual discourse. O that ministers and people were more spiritual
and devoted to God!--Towards night, with the advice of christian friends,
I offered the following reflections in writing, to the rector and trustees
of the college--which are for substance the same that I had freely offered
to the rector before, and entreated him to accept--that if possible I
might cut off all occasion of offence, from those who seek occasion. What
I offered, is as follows:
"Whereas I have said before several persons, concerning Mr. Whittelsey,
one of the tutors of Yale college, that I did not believe he had any more
grace than the chair I then leaned upon: I humbly confess, that herein
I have sinned against God, and acted contrary to the rules of his word,
and have injured Mr. Whittelsey. I had no right to make thus free with
his character; and had no just reason to say as I did concerning him.
My fault herein was the more aggravated, in that I said this concerning
one that was so much my superior, and one that I was obliged to treat
with special respect and honour, by reason of the relation I stood in
to him in the college. Such a manner of behaviour, I confess, did not
become a Christian; it was taking too much upon me, and did not savour
of that humble respect that I ought to have expressed towards Mr. Whittelsey.
I have long since been convinced of the falseness of those apprehensions,
by which I then justified such a conduct. I have often reflected on this
act with grief; I hope, on account of the sin of it: and am willing to
lie low, and be abased before God and man for it. And humbly ask the forgiveness
of the governors of the college, and of the whole society; but of Mr.
Whittelsey in particular. And whereas I have been accused by one person
of saying concerning the reverend rector of Yale college, that I wondered
he did not expect to drop down dead for fining the scholars that followed
Mr. Tennent to Milford; I seriously profess, that I do not remember my
saying any thing to this purpose. But if I did, which I am not certain
I did not, I utterly condemn it, and detest all such kind of behaviour;
any especially in an undergraduate towards the rector. And I now appear,
to judge and condemn myself for going once to the separate meeting in
New-Haven, a little before I was expelled, though the rector had refused
to give me leave. For this I humbly ask the rector's forgiveness. And
whether the governors of the college shall ever see cause to remove the
academical censure I lie under, or no, or to admit me to the privileges
I desire; yet I am willing to appear, if they think fit, openly to own,
and to humble myself for, those things I have herein confessed."
"God has made me willing to do any thing that I can do, consistent
with truth, for the sake of peace, and that I might not be a stumbling-block
to others. For this reason I can cheerfully forego, and give up, what
I verily believe, after the most mature and impartial search, is my right,
in some instances. God has given me that disposition, that, if this were
the case, that a man has done me a hundred injuries, and I (though ever
so much provoked to it) have done him one, I feel disposed, and heartily
willing, humbly to confess my fault to him, and on my knees to ask forgiveness
of him; though at the same time he should justify himself in all the injuries
he has done me, and should only make use of my humble confession to blacken
my character the more, and represent me as the only person guilty, &c.
yea, though he should as it were insult me, and say, 'he knew all this
before, and that I was making work for repentance,' &c. Though what
I said concerning Mr. Whittelsey was only spoken in private, to a friend
or two; and being partly overheard, was related to the rector, and by
him extorted from my friends; yet, seeing it was divulged made public,
I was willing to confess my fault therein publicly.--But I trust God will
plead my cause." (Footnote: I was witness to the very christian spirit
Mr. Brainerd showed at that time, being then at New-Haven, and one that
he thought fit to consult on that occasion. This was the first time that
ever I had an opportunity of personal acquaintance with him. There truly
appeared in him a great degree of calmness and humility: without the least
appearance of rising of spirit for any ill treatment he supposed he had
suffered, or the least backwardness to abase himself before them, who,
as he thought, had wronged him. What he did was without any objection
or appearance of reluctance, even in private to his friends, to whom he
freely opened himself. Earnest application was made on his behalf to the
authority of the college, that he might have his degree then given him:
and particularly by the Rev. Mr. Burr of Newark, one of the correspondents
of the honourable society in Scotland; he being sent from New Jersey to
New-Haven, by the rest of the commissioners for that end: and many arguments
were used, but without success. Indeed the governors of the college were
so far satisfied with the reflections Mr. Brainerd had made on himself,
that they appeared willing to admit him again into college; but not to
give him his degree, till he should have remained there at least twelve
mouths, which being contrary to what the correspondents, to whom he was
now engaged, had declared to be their mind, he did not consent to it.
He desired his degree, as he thought it would tend to his being more extensively
useful; but still when he was denied it, he manifested no disappointment
or resentment.)
The next day he went to Derby; then to Southbury where he spent the sabbath:
and speaks of some spiritual comfort; but complains much of unfixedness,
and wanderings of mind in religion.
"Monday, Sept. 19. In the afternoon rode to Bethlehem,
and there preached. Had some measure of assistance, both in prayer and
preaching. I felt serious, kind, and tender towards all mankind, and longed
that holiness might flourish more on earth.
"Tuesday, Sept. 20. Had thoughts of going forward on my journey
to my Indians; but towards night was taken with a hard pain in my teeth,
and shivering cold; and could not possibly recover a comfortable degree
of warmth the whole night following. I continued very full of pain all
night; and in the morning had a very hard fever, and pains almost over
my whole body. I had a sense of the divine goodness in appointing this
to be the place of my sickness, viz. among my friends, who were
very kind to me. I should probably have perished, if I had first got home
to my own house in the wilderness, where I have none to converse with
but the poor, rude, ignorant Indians. Here I saw was mercy in the midst
of affliction. I continued thus, mostly confined to my bed, till Friday
night; very full of pain most of the time; but through divine goodness
not afraid of death. Then the extreme folly of those appeared to me, who
put off their turning to God till a sick-bed. Surely this is not a time
proper to prepare for eternity.--On Friday evening my pains went off somewhat
suddenly, I was exceeding weak, and almost fainted; but was very comfortable
the night following. These words, Psal. cxviii. 17. 'I shall not die,
but live,' &c. I frequently revolved in my mind; and thought we were
to prize the continuation of life only on this account, that we may 'show
forth God's goodness and works of grace.'"
From this time he gradually recovered; and on the next Tuesday was so well
as to be able to go forward on his journey homewards; but it was not till
the Tuesday following that he reached Kaunaumeek. And seems, great part
of this time, to have had a very deep and lively sense of the vanity and
emptiness of all things here below, and of the reality, nearness, and vast
importance of eternal things.
"Tuesday, Oct. 4. This day rode home to my own
house and people. The poor Indians appeared very glad of my return. Found
my house and all things in safety. I presently fell on my knees, and blessed
God for my safe return, after a long and tedious journey, and a season
of sickness in several places where I had been, and after I had been ill
myself. God has renewed his kindness to me, in preserving me one journey
more. I have taken many considerable journeys since this time last year,
and yet God has never suffered one of my bones to be broken, or any distressing
calamity to befall me, excepting the ill turn I had in my last journey.
I have been often exposed to cold and hunger in the wilderness, where
the comforts of life were not to be had; have frequently been lost in
the woods; and sometimes obliged to ride much of the night; and once lay
out in the woods all night; yet, blessed be God, he has preserved me!"
In his diary for the next eleven days, are great complaints of distance
from God, spiritual pride, corruption, and exceeding vileness. He once says,
his heart was so pressed with a sense of his pollution, that he could scarcely
have the face and impudence (as it then appeared to him) to desire that
God should not damn him for ever. And at another time, he says, he had so
little sense of God, or apprehension and relish of his glory and excellency,
that it made him more disposed to kindness and tenderness towards those
who are blind and ignorant of God and things divine and heavenly.
"Lord's day, Oct. 16. In the evening, God was pleased
to give me a feeling sense of my own unworthiness; but through divine
goodness such as tended to draw me to, rather than drive me from, God;
it filled me with solemnity. I retired alone, (having at this time a friend
with me,) and poured out my soul to God with much freedom; and yet in
anguish, to find myself so unspeakably sinful and unworthy before a holy
God. Was now much resigned under God's dispensations towards me, though
my trials had been very great. But thought whether I could be resigned,
if God should let the French Indians come upon me, and deprive me of life,
or carry me away captive, (though I knew of no special reason then to
propose this trial to myself, more than any other,) and my soul seemed
so far to rest and acquiesce in God, that the sting and terror of these
things seemed in a great measure gone. Presently after I came to the Indians,
whom I was teaching to sing psalm-tunes that evening, I received the following
letter from Stockbridge, by a messenger sent on the sabbath on purpose,
which made it appear of greater importance.
'Sir, Just now we received advices from Col. Stoddard, that
there is the utmost danger of a rupture with France. He has received
the same from his excellency our governor, ordering him to give notice
to all the exposed places, that they may secure themselves the best
they can against any sudden invasion. We thought best to send directly
to Kaunaumeek, that you may take the prudentest measures for your safety
that dwell there. I am, Sir, &c.'
"I thought, upon reading the contents, it came in a good season;
for my heart seemed fixed on God, and therefore I was not much surprised.
This news only made me more serious, and taught me that I must not please
myself with any of the comforts of life which I had been preparing. Blessed
be God, who gave me any intenseness and fervency this evening!
"Monday, Oct. 17. Had some rising hopes, that 'God would arise
and have mercy on Zion speedily.' My heart is indeed refreshed, when I
have any prevailing hopes of Zion's prosperity. O that I may see the glorious
day, when Zion shall become the joy of the whole earth! Truly there is
nothing that I greatly value in this lower world."
On Tuesday he rode to Stockbridge; complains of being much diverted,
and having but little life. On Wednesday he expresses some solemn
sense of divine things, and longing to be always doing for God with a godly
frame of spirit.
"Thursday, Oct. 20. Had but little sense of divine
things this day. Alas, that so much of my precious time is spent with
so little of God! Those are tedious days, wherein I have no spirituality.
"Friday, Oct. 21. Returned home to Kaunaumeek: was glad to
get alone in my little cottage, and to cry to that God who seeth in secret,
and is present in a wilderness.
"Saturday, Oct. 22. Had but little sensible communion with
God. This world is a dark, cloudy mansion. Oh, when will the Sun of righteousness
shine on my soul without intermission!
"Lord's day, Oct. 23. In the morning I had a little dawn of
comfort arising from hopes of seeing glorious days in the church of God:
was enabled to pray for such a glorious day with some courage and strength
of hope. In the forenoon treated on the glories of heaven, &c.--In
the afternoon, on the miseries of hell, and the danger of going there.
Had some freedom and warmth, both parts of the day. And my people were
very attentive. In the evening two or three came to me under concern for
their souls; to whom I was enabled to discourse closely, and with some
earnestness and desire. O that God would be merciful to their poor
souls!"
He seems, through the whole of this week, to have been greatly engaged
to fill up every inch of time in the service of God, and to have been most
diligently employed in study, prayer, and instructing the Indians; and from
time to time expresses longings of soul after God, and the advancement of
his kingdom, and spiritual comfort and refreshment.
"Lord's day, Oct. 30. In the morning I enjoyed
some fixedness of soul in prayer, which was indeed sweet and desirable;
was enabled to leave myself with God, and to acquiesce in him. At noon
my soul was refreshed with reading Rev. iii. more especially the 11th
and 12th verses. Oh, my soul longed for that blessed day, when I should
'dwell in the temple of God,' and 'go no more out' of his immediate presence!
"Monday, Oct. 31. Rode to Kinderhook, about fifteen miles
from my place. While riding I felt some divine sweetness in the thoughts
of being 'a pillar in the temple of God' in the upper world, and being
no more deprived of his blessed presence, and the sense of his favour,
which is better than life. My soul was so lifted up to God, that
I could pour out my desires to him, for more grace and further degrees
of sanctification, with abundant freedom. Oh, I longed to be more abundantly
prepared for that blessedness, with which I was then in some measure refreshed!--Returned
home in the evening; but took an extremely bad cold by riding in the night.
"Tuesday, Nov. 1. Was very much disordered in body, and sometimes
full of pain in my face and teeth; was not able to study much, and had
not much spiritual comfort. Alas! when God is withdrawn, all is gone.--Had
some sweet thoughts, which I could not but write down, on the design,
nature, and end of Christianity.
"Wednesday, Nov. 2. Was still more indisposed in body, and
in much pain most of the day. I had not much comfort; was scarcely able
to study at all; and still entirely alone in the wilderness. But blessed
be the Lord, I am not exposed in the open air; I have a house, and many
of the comforts of life to support me. I have learned in a measure, that
all good things relating both to time and eternity come from God.--In
the evening I had some degree of quickening in prayer: I think God gave
me some sense of his presence.
"Thursday, Nov. 3. Spent this day in secret fasting and prayer,
from morning till night. Early in the morning I had some small degree
of assistance in prayer. Afterwards read the story of Elijah the prophet,
1 Kings, xvii. xviii. and xix. chapters, and also 2 Kings, ii. and iv.
chapters. My soul was much moved, observing the faith, zeal, and power
of that holy man; how he wrestled with God in prayer, &c. My soul
then cried with Elisha, 'Where is the Lord God of Elijah!' Oh, I longed
for more faith! My soul breathed after God, and pleaded with him, that
a 'double portion of that spirit,' which was given to Elijah, might 'rest
on me.' And that which was divinely refreshing and strengthening to my
soul was, I saw that God is the same that he was in the days of
Elijah.--Was enabled to wrestle with God by prayer, in a more affectionate,
fervent, humble, intense, and importunate manner, than I have for many
months past. Nothing seemed too hard for God to perform; nothing too great
for me to hope for from him.--I had for many months entirely lost all
hopes of being made instrumental of doing any special service for God
in the world; it has appeared entirely impossible, that one so black and
vile should be thus employed for God. But at this time God was pleased
to revive this hope.--Afterwards read the 3rd chapter of Exodus and on
to the 20th, and saw more of the glory and majesty of God
discovered in those chapters, than ever I had seen before; frequently
in the mean time falling on my knees, and crying to God for the faith
of Moses, and for a manifestation of the divine glory. Especially
the 3rd and 4th, and part of the 14th and 15th chapters, were unspeakably
sweet to my soul: my soul blessed God, that he had shown himself so gracious
to his servants of old. The 15th chapter seemed to be the very language
which my soul uttered to God in the season of my first spiritual comfort,
when I had just got through the Red sea, by a way that I
had no expectation of. O how my soul then rejoiced in God! And
now those things came fresh and lively to my mind; now my soul blessed
God afresh, that he had opened that unthought-of way to deliver
me from the fear of the Egyptians, when I almost despaired of life.--Afterwards
read the story of Abraham's pilgrimage in the land of Canaan: my soul
was melted, in observing his faith, how he leaned on God; how he
communed with God, and what a stranger he was here in the
world. After that, read the story of Joseph's sufferings, and God's goodness
to him: blessed God for these examples of faith and patience. My soul
was ardent in prayer, was enabled to wrestle ardently for myself, for
christian friends, and for the church of God. And felt more desire to
see the power of God in the conversion of souls, than I have done for
a long season. Blessed be God for this season of fasting and prayer! May
his goodness always abide with me, and draw my soul to him!
"Thursday, Nov. 4. Rode to Kinderhook: went quite to Hudson's
river, about twenty miles from my house; performed some business, and
returned home in the evening to my own house. I had rather ride hard and
fatigue myself, to get home, than to spend the evening and night amongst
those who have no regard for God."
The two next days he was very ill, and full of pain, probably through
his riding in the night after a fatiguing day's journey on Thursday;
but yet seems to have been diligent in business.
"Monday, Nov. 7. This morning the Lord afforded
me some special assistance in prayer; my mind was solemn, fixed, affectionate,
and ardent in desires after holiness; felt full of tenderness and love;
and my affections seemed to be dissolved into kindness. In the evening
I enjoyed the same comfortable assistance in prayer as in the morning:
my soul longed after God, and cried to him with a filial freedom, reverence,
and boldness. O that I might be entirely consecrated and devoted to God."
The two next days he complains of bodily illness and pain; but much
more of spiritual barrenness and unprofitableness.
"Thursday, Nov. 10. Spent this day in fasting and
prayer alone. In the morning was very dull and lifeless, melancholy and
discouraged. But after some time, while reading 2 Kings xix. my soul was
moved and affected; especially reading verse 14, and onward. I saw there
was no other way for the afflicted children of God to take, but to go
to God with all their sorrows. Hezekiah, in his great distress, went and
spread his complaint before the Lord. I was then enabled to see the mighty
power of God, and my extreme need of that power; was enabled to cry to
him affectionately and ardently for his power and grace to be exercised
towards me.--Afterwards read the story of David's trials, and observed
the course he took under them, how he strengthened his hands in God; whereby
my soul was carried out after God, enabled to cry to him, and rely upon
him, and felt strong in the Lord. Was afterwards refreshed, observing
the blessed temper that was wrought in David by his trials: all bitterness
and desire of revenge seemed wholly taken away; so that he mourned for
the death of his enemies; 2 Sam. i. 17. and iv. 9, ad fin.--Was
enabled to bless God, that he had given me something of this divine temper,
that my soul freely forgives and heartily loves my enemies."
It appears by his diary for the remaining part of this week, and
for the two following week, that great part of the time he was very
ill, and full of pain; and yet obliged, through his circumstances, in this
ill state of body, to be at great fatigues, in labour, and travelling day
and night, and to expose himself in stormy and severe seasons. He from time
to time, within this space, speaks of outgoings of soul after God; his heart
strengthened in God; seasons of divine sweetness and comfort; his heart
affected with gratitude for mercies, &c. And yet there are many complaints
of lifelessness, weakness of grace, distance from God, and great unprofitableness.
But still there appear a constant care from day to day, not to lose time,
but to improve it all for God.
"Lord's day, Nov. 27. In the evening I was greatly
affected in reading an account of the very joyful death of a pious gentleman;
which seemed to invigorate my soul in God's ways. I felt courageously
engaged to pursue a life of holiness and self-denial as long as I live;
and poured out my soul to God for his help and assistance in order thereto.
Eternity then seemed near, and my soul rejoiced, and longed to meet it.
I trust that will be a blessed day that finishes my toil here.
"Monday, Nov. 28. In the evening I was obliged to spend time
in company and conversation that was unprofitable.--Nothing lies heavier
upon me, than the misimprovement of time.
"Tuesday, Nov. 29. Began to study the Indian tongue with Mr.
Sergeant at Stockbridge. (Footnote: The commissioners who employed him,
had directed him to spend much time this winter with Mr. Sergeant, to
learn the language of the Indians; which necessitated him very often to
ride, backwards and forwards, twenty miles through the uninhabited woods
between Stockbridge and Kaunaumeek; which many times exposed him to extreme
hardship in the severe seasons of the winter.)--Was perplexed for want
of more retirement.--I love to live alone in my own little cottage,
where I can spend much time in prayer, &c.
"Wednesday, Nov. 30. Pursued my study of Indian: but was very
weak and disordered in body, and was troubled in mind at the barrenness
of the day, that I had done so little for God. I had some enlargement
in prayer at night. Oh, a barn, or stable, hedge, or any other place,
is truly desirable, if God is there! Sometimes, of late, my hopes of Zion's
prosperity are more raised than they were in the summer. My soul seems
to confide in God, that he will yet 'show forth his salvation' to his
people, and make Zion 'the joy of the whole earth. O how excellent is
the loving-kindness of the Lord!' My soul sometimes inwardly exults at
the lively thoughts of what God has already done for his church, and what
"mine eyes have seen of the salvation of God." It is sweet,
to hear nothing but spiritual discourse from God's children; and sinners
'inquiring the way to Zion,' saying, 'What shall we do?' &c. O that
I may see more of this blessed work!
"Thursday, Dec. 1. Both morning and evening I enjoyed some
intenseness of soul in prayer, and longed for the enlargement of Christ's
kingdom in the world. My soul seems, of late, to wait on God for
his blessing on Zion. O that religion might powerfully revive!
"Friday, Dec. 2. Enjoyed not so much health of body, or fervour
of mind, as yesterday. If the chariot-wheels move with ease and speed
at any time, for a short space, yet by and by they drive heavily again.
'O that I had the wings of a dove, that I might fly away' from sin and
corruption, and be at rest in God!
"Saturday, Dec. 3. Rode home to my house and people. Suffered
much with the extreme cold.--I trust I shall ere long arrive safe at my
journey's end, where my toils shall cease.
"Lord's day, Dec. 4. Had but little sense of divine and heavenly
things. My soul mourns over my barrenness. Oh how sad is spiritual deadness!
"Monday, Dec. 5. Rode to Stockbridge. Was almost outdone with
the extreme cold. Had some refreshing meditations by the way; but was
barren, wandering, and lifeless, much of the day. Thus my days roll away,
with but little done for God; and this is my burden.
"Tuesday, Dec. 6. Was perplexed to see the vanity and levity
of professed Christians. Spent the evening with a christian friend, who
was able in some measure to sympathize with me in my spiritual conflicts.
Was a little refreshed to find one with whom I could converse of inward
trials, &c.
"Wednesday, Dec. 7. Spent the evening in perplexity, with
a kind of guilty indolence. When I have no heart or resolution for God,
and the duties incumbent on me, I feel guilty of negligence and misimprovement
of time. Certainly I ought to be engaged in my work and business, to the
utmost extent of my strength and ability.
"Thursday, Dec. 8. My mind was much distracted with different
affections. I seemed to be at an amazing distance from God; and looking
round in the world, to see if there was not some happiness to be derived
from it. God, and certain objects in the world, seemed each to invite
my heart and affections; and my soul seemed to be distracted between them.
I have not been so much beset with the world for a long time; and that
with relation to some particular objects which I thought myself most dead
to. But even while I was desiring to please myself with any thing below,
guilt, sorrow, and perplexity attended the first motions of desire. Indeed
I cannot see the appearance of pleasure and happiness in the world, as
I used to do: and blessed be God for any habitual deadness to the world.--I
found no peace, or deliverance from this distraction and perplexity of
mind, till I found access to the throne of grace: and as soon as I had
any sense of God, and things divine, the allurements of the world vanished,
and my heart was determined for God. But my soul mourned over my folly,
that I should desire any pleasure, but only in God. God forgive my
spiritual idolatry!"
The next thirteen days he appears to have been continually in deep
concern about the improvement of precious time; and there are many expressions
of grief, that he improved time no better; such as, "Oh, what misery
do I feel, when "my thoughts rove after vanity! I should be happy if
always engaged for God! O wretched man that I am!" &c. Speaks of
his being pained with a sense of his barrenness, perplexed with his wanderings,
longing for deliverance from the being of sin, mourning that time passed
away, and so little was done for God, &c.--On Tuesday, December
20, he speaks of his being visited at Kaunaumeek by some under spiritual
concern.
"Thursday, Dec. 22. Spent this day alone in fasting
and prayer, and reading in God's word the exercises and deliverances of
his children. Had, I trust, some exercise of faith, and realizing apprehension
of divine power, grace, and holiness; and also of the unchangeable of
God, that he is the same as when he delivered his saints of old out of
great tribulation. My soul was sundry times in prayer enlarged for God's
church and people. O that Zion might become the 'joy of the whole earth!'
It is better to wait upon God with patience, than to put confidence in
any thing in this lower world. 'My soul, wait thou on the Lord;' for 'from
him comes thy salvation.'
"Friday, Dec. 23. Felt a little more courage and resolution
in religion, than at some other times.
"Saturday, Dec. 24. Had some assistance and longing desires
after sanctification in prayer this day; especially in the evening: was
sensible of my own weakness and spiritual impotency; saw plainly I should
fall into sin, if God of his abundant mercy did not 'uphold in soul, and
withhold me from evil.' O that God would 'uphold me by his free Spirit,
and save me from the hour of temptation.'
"Lord's day, Dec. 25. Prayed much, in the morning, with a
feeling sense of my own spiritual weakness and insufficiency for any duty.
God gave me some assistance in preaching to the Indians; and especially
in the afternoon, when I was enabled to speak will uncommon plainness,
freedom, and earnestness. Blessed be God for any assistance granted to
one so unworthy. Afterwards felt some thankfulness; but still sensible
of barrenness.--Spent some time in the evening with one or two persons
under spiritual concern, and exhorting others to their duty, &c.
"Monday, Dec. 26. Rode down to Stockbridge. Was very much
fatigued with my journey, wherein I underwent great hardships: was much
exposed and very wet by falling into a river. Spent the day and evening
without much sense of divine and heavenly things; but felt guilty, grieved,
and perplexed with wandering careless thoughts.
"Tuesday, Dec. 27. Had a small degree of warmth in secret
prayer, in the evening; but, alas! had but little spiritual life, and
consequently but little comfort. Oh, the pressure of a body of death!
(Footnote: This day he wrote the second letter among his Remains.)
"Wednesday, Dec. 28. Rode about six miles to the ordination
of Mr. Hopkins. At the solemnity I was somewhat affected with a sense
of the greatness and importance of the work of a minister of Christ. Afterwards
was grieved to see the vanity of the multitude. In the evening spent a
little time with some christian friends, with some degree of satisfaction;
but most of the time I had rather have been alone.
"Thursday, Dec. 29. Spent the day mainly in conversing with
friends; yet enjoyed little satisfaction, because I could find but few
disposed to converse of divine and heavenly things. Alas, what are the
things of this world, to afford satisfaction to the soul!--Near night
returned to Stockbridge; in secret, I blessed God for retirement, and
that I am not always exposed to the company and conversation of the world.
O that I could live 'in the secret of God's presence!'
"Friday, Dec. 30. Was in a solemn devout frame in the evening.
Wondered that earth, with all its charms, should ever allure me in the
least degree. O that I could always realize the being and holiness of
God!
"Saturday, Dec. 31. Rode from Stockbridge home to my house:
the air was clear and calm, but as cold as ever I felt it, or near. I
was in great danger of perishing by the extremity of the season.--Was
enabled to meditate much on the road.
"Lord's day, Jan. 1, 1744. In the morning had some small degree
of assistance in prayer. Saw myself so vile and unworthy, that I could
not look my people in the face, when I came to preach. Oh my meanness,
folly, ignorance, and inward pollution!--In the evening had a little assistance
in prayer, so that the duty was delightful, rather than burdensome. Reflected
on the goodness of God to me in the past year, &c. Of a truth God
has been kind and gracious to me, though he has caused me to pass through
many sorrows; he has provided for me bountifully, so that I have been
enabled, in about fifteen months past, to bestow to charitable uses about
a hundred pounds New England money, that I can now remember. (Footnote:
Which was, I suppose, to the value of about one hundred and eighty-five
pounds in our bills of the old tenor, as they now pass. By this, as
well as many other things, it is manifest, that his frequent melancholy
did not arise from the consideration of any disadvantage he was laid under
to get a living in the world, by his expulsion from the college.) Blessed
be the Lord, that has so far used me as his steward, to distribute
a portion of his goods. May I always remember, that all I have
comes from God. Blessed be the Lord, that has carried me through all the
toils, fatigues, and hardships of the year past, as well as the spiritual
sorrows and conflicts that have attended it. O that I could begin this
year with God, and spend the whole of it to his glory, either
in life or death!
"Monday, Jan. 2. Had some affecting sense of my own impotency
and spiritual weakness.--It is nothing but the power of God that keeps
me from all manner of wickedness. I see I am nothing, and can do
nothing without help from above. Oh, for divine grace! In the evening,
had some ardour of soul in prayer, and longing desires to have God for
my guide and safeguard at all times. (Footnote: This day he wrote the
third letter among his Remains.)
"Tuesday, Jan. 3. Was employed much of the day in writing;
and spent some time in other necessary employment. But my time passes
away so swiftly, that I am astonished when I reflect on it, and see how
little I do. My state of solitude does not make the hours hang heavy upon
my hands. O what reason of thankfulness have I on account of this retirement!
I find that I do not, and it seems I cannot, lead a christian life
when I am abroad, and cannot spend time in devotion, christian conversation,
and serious meditation, as I should do. Those weeks that I am obliged
now to be from home, in order to learn the Indian tongue, are mostly spent
in perplexity and barrenness, without much sweet relish of divine things;
and I feel myself a stranger at the throne of grace, for want of more
frequent and continued retirement. When I return home, and give myself
to meditation, prayer, and fasting, a new scene opens to my mind, and
my soul longs for mortification, self-denial, humility, and divorcement
from all the things of the world. This evening my heart was somewhat warm
and fervent in prayer and meditation, so that I was loth to indulge sleep.
Continued in those duties till about midnight.
"Wednesday, Jan. 4. Was in a resigned and mortified temper
of mind, much of the day. Time appeared a moment, life a vapour,
and all its enjoyments as empty bubbles, and fleeting blasts of
wind.
"Thursday, Jan. 5. Had an humbling and pressing sense of my
unworthiness. My sense of the badness of my own heart filled my soul with
bitterness and anguish; which was ready to sink, as under the weight of
a heavy burden. Thus I spent the evening, till late.--Was somewhat intense
and ardent in prayer.
"Friday, Jan. 6. Feeling and considering my extreme weakness,
and want of grace, the pollution of my soul, and danger of temptations
on every side, I set apart this day for fasting and prayer, neither eating
nor drinking from evening to evening, beseeching God to have mercy on
me. My soul intensely longed, that the dreadful spots and stains of sin
might be washed away from it. Saw something of the power and all-sufficiency
of God. My soul seemed to rest on his power and grace; longed for resignation
to his will, and mortification to all things here below. My mind was greatly
fixed on divine things: my resolutions for a life of mortification, continual
watchfulness, self-denial, seriousness, and devotion, were strong and
fixed; my desires ardent and intense; my conscience tender, and afraid
of every appearance of evil. My soul grieved with reflection on past levity,
and want of resolution for God. I solemnly renewed my dedication of myself
to God, and longed for grace to enable me always to keep covenant with
him. Time appeared very short, eternity near; and a great name, either
in or after life, together with all earthly pleasures and profits, but
an empty bubble, a deluding dream.
"Saturday, Jan. 7. Spent this day in seriousness, with stedfast
resolutions for God and a life of mortification. Studied closely, till
I felt my bodily strength fail. Felt some degree of resignation to God,
with an acquiescence in his dispensations. Was grieved that I could do
so little for God before my bodily strength failed.--In the evening, though
tired, was enabled to continue instant in prayer for some time. Spent
the time in reading, meditation, and prayer, till the evening was far
spent: was grieved to think that I could not watch unto prayer
the whole night.--But blessed be God, heaven is a place of continual and
incessant devotion, though the earth is dull."
The six days following he continued in the same happy frame of mind;
enjoyed the same composure, calmness, resignation, ardent desire, and sweet
fervency of spirit, in a high degree, every day, not one excepted. Thursday,
this week, he kept as a day of secret fasting and prayer.
"Saturday, Jan. 14. This morning enjoyed a most
solemn season in prayer: my soul seemed enlarged, and assisted to pour
out itself to God for grace, and for every blessing I wanted, for myself,
my dear christian friends, and for the church of God; and was so enabled
to see him who is invisible, that my soul rested upon him
for the performance of every thing I asked agreeable to his will. It was
then my happiness, to 'continue instant in prayer,' and was enabled to
continue in it for nearly an hour. My soul was then 'strong in the Lord,
and in the power of his might.' Longed exceedingly for angelic holiness
and purity, and to have all my thoughts, at all times, employed in divine
and heavenly things. O how blessed is a heavenly temper! O how unspeakably
blessed it is, to feel a measure of that rectitude, in which we were at
first created!--Felt the same divine assistance in prayer sundry times
in the day. My soul confided in God for myself, and for his Zion; trusted
in divine power and grace, that he would do glorious things in his church
on earth, for his own glory."
The next day he speaks of some glimpses he had of the divine glories,
and of his being enabled to maintain his resolutions in some measure; but
complains, that he could not draw near to God. He seems to be filled with
trembling fears lest he should return to a life of vanity, to please himself
with some of the enjoyments of this lower world; and speaks of his being
much troubled, and feeling guilty, that he should address immortal souls
with no more ardency and desire of their salvation.--On Monday he
rode down to Stockbridge, when he was distressed with the extreme cold;
but notwithstanding, his mind was in a devout and solemn frame in his journey.
The four next days he was very ill, probably from the cold in his
journey; yet he spent the time in a solemn manner. On Friday evening
he visited Mr. Hopkins; and on Saturday rode eighteen miles to Solsbury,
where he kept the sabbath, and enjoyed considerable degrees of God's gracious
presence, assistance in duty, and divine comfort and refreshment, longing
to give himself wholly to God, to be his for ever.
"Monday, Jan. 23. I think I never felt more resigned
to God, nor so much dead to the world, in every respect, as now; was dead
to all desire of reputation and greatness, either in life, or after death;
all I longed for, was to be holy, humble, crucified to the world, &c.
"Tuesday, Jan. 24. Near noon, rode over to Canaan. In the
evening I was unexpectedly visited by a considerable number of people,
with whom I was enabled to converse profitably of divine things: took
pains to describe the difference between a regular and irregular
SELF-LOVE; the one consisting with a supreme love to God, but the
other not; the former uniting God's glory and the soul's happiness,
that they become one common interest, but the latter disjoining and separating
God's glory and man's happiness, seeking the latter with a neglect of
the former. Illustrated this by that genuine love that is founded between
the sexes; which is diverse from that which is wrought up towards a person
only by rational argument, or hope of self-interest. Love is a pleasing
passion, it affords pleasure to the mind where it is; but yet,
genuine love is not, nor can be placed, upon any object with that design
of pleasure itself."
On Wednesday he rode to Sheffield; the next day, to Stockbridge;
and on Saturday, home to Kaunaumeek, though the season was cold and
stormy: which journey was followed with illness and pain. It appears by
this diary, that he spent the time, while riding, in profitable meditations,
and in lifting up his heart to God; and he speaks of assistance, comfort,
and refreshment; but still complains of barrenness, &c. His diary for
the five next days is full of the most heavy, bitter complaints;
and he expresses himself as full of shame and self-loathing for his lifeless
temper of mind and sluggishness of spirit, and as being in perplexity and
extremity, and appearing to himself unspeakably vile and guilty before God,
on account of some inward workings of corruption he found in his heart,
&c.
"Thursday, Feb. 2. Spent this day in fasting and
prayer, seeking the presence and assistance of God, that he would enable
me to overcome all my corruptions and spiritual enemies.
"Friday, Feb. 3. Enjoyed more freedom and comfort than of
late; was engaged in meditation upon the different whispers of the various
powers and affections of a pious mind, exercised with a great variety
of dispensations: and could but write, as well as meditate, on so entertaining
a subject.(Footnote: This is inserted among his Remains.) I hope the Lord
gave me some true sense of divine things this day: but alas, how great
and pressing are the remains of indwelling corruption! I am now more sensible
than ever, that God alone is 'the author and finisher of our faith,' i.e.
that the whole, and every part of sanctification, and every good word,
work, or thought, found in me, is the effect of his power and grace; that
'without him I can do nothing,' in the strictest sense, and that 'he works
in us to will and to do of his own good pleasure,' and from no other motive.
Oh, how amazing it is that people can talk so much about men's power and
goodness; when, if God did not hold us back every moment, we should be
devils incarnate! This my bitter experience, for several days last past,
has abundantly taught me concerning myself.
"Saturday, Feb. 4. Enjoyed some degree of freedom and spiritual
refreshment; was enabled to pray with some fervency; and longing desires
of Zion's prosperity, and my faith and hope seemed to take hold of
God, for the performance of what I was enabled to plead for. Sanctification
in myself, and the ingathering of God's elect, was all my desire; and
the hope of its accomplishment, all my joy.
"Lord's day, Feb. 5. Was enabled in some measure to rest and
confide in God, and to prize his presence and some glimpses of the light
of his countenance, above my necessary food. Thought myself, after the
season of weakness, temptation, and desertion I endured the last week,
to be somewhat like Samson, when his locks began to grow again. Was enabled
to preach to my people with more life and warmth than I have for some
weeks past.
"Monday, Feb. 6. This morning my soul again was strengthened
in God, and found some sweet repose in him in prayer; longing especially
for the complete mortification of sensuality and pride, and for resignation
to God's dispensations, at all times, as through grace I felt it at this
time. I did not desire deliverance from any difficulty that attends my
circumstances, unless God was willing. O how comfortable is this temper!--Spent
most of the day in reading God's word, in writing, and prayer. Enjoyed
repeated and frequent comfort and intenseness of soul in prayer through
the day. In the evening spent some hours in private conversation with
my people; and afterwards felt some warmth in secret prayer.
"Tuesday, Feb. 7. Was much engaged in some sweet meditations
on the powers and affections of the godly soul in their pursuit of their
beloved object: wrote something of the native language of spiritual sensation,
in its soft and tender whispers; declaring, that it now feels and tastes
that the Lord is gracious; that he is the supreme good, the only soul-satisfying
happiness: that he is a complete, sufficient, and almighty portion: saying,
'Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon
earth that I desire besides this blessed portion. O, I feel it is
heaven to please him, and to be just what he would have me to be! O
that my soul were holy, as he is holy! O that it were pure,
even as Christ is pure; and perfect, as my Father in heaven is
perfect! These, I feel, are the sweetest commands in God's book,
comprising all others. And shall I break them! must I break them! am
I under a necessity of it as long as I live in the world! O my soul,
woe, woe is me that I am a sinner, because I now necessarily grieve
and offend this blessed God, who is infinite in goodness and grace!
Oh, methinks, if he would punish me for my sins, it would not wound
my heart so deep to offend him: but though I sin continually, yet he
continually repeats his kindness to me! Oh, methinks I could bear any
sufferings; but how can I bear to grieve and dishonour this blessed
God! How shall I yield ten thousand times more honour to him? What shall
I do to glorify and worship this best of beings? O that I could consecrate
myself, soul and body, to his service for ever! O that I could give
up myself to him, so as never more to attempt to be my own, or to have
any will or affections that are not perfectly conformed to him! But,
alas, alas! I find I cannot be thus entirely devoted to God; I cannot
live, and not sin. O ye angels, do ye glorify him incessantly; and if
possible, prostrate yourselves lower before the blessed King of heaven?
I long to bear a part with you; and, if it were possible, to help you.
Oh, when we have done all that we can, to all eternity, we shall not
be able to offer the ten thousandth part of the homage that the glorious
God deserves!'
"Felt something spiritual, devout, resigned, and mortified to the
world, much of the day; and especially towards and in the evening. Blessed
be God, that he enables me to love him for himself.
"Wednesday, Feb. 8. Was in a comfortable frame of soul most
of the day; though sensible of, and restless under, spiritual barrenness.
I find that both mind and body are quickly tired with intenseness and
fervour in the things of God. O that I could be as incessant as angels
in devotion and spiritual fervour!
"Thursday, Feb. 9. Observed this day as a day of fasting and
prayer, entreating of God to bestow upon me his blessing and grace; especially
to enable me to live a life of mortification to the world, as well as
of resignation and patience. Enjoyed some realizing sense of divine power
and goodness in prayer, several times; and was enabled to roll the burden
of myself, and friends, and Zion, upon the goodness and grace of God:
but, in the general, was more dry and barren than I have usually been
of late upon such occasions.
"Friday, Feb. 10. Was exceedingly oppressed, most of the day,
with shame, grief, and fear, under a sense of my past folly, as well as
present barrenness and coldness. When God sets before me my past misconduct,
especially any instances of misguided zeal, it sinks my soul into
shame and confusion, makes me afraid of a shaking leaf. My fear is such
as the prophet Jeremy complains of, Jer. xx. 10.--I have no confidence
to hold up my face, even before my fellow-worms; but only when my soul
confides in God, and I find the sweet temper of Christ, the spirit of
humility, solemnity, and mortification, and resignation, alive in my soul.--But,
in the evening, was unexpectedly refreshed in pouring out my complaint
to God; my shame and fear was turned into a sweet composure and acquiescence
in God.
"Saturday, Feb. 11. Felt much as yesterday: enjoyed but little
sensible communion with God.
"Lord's day, Feb. 12. My soul seemed to confide in God, and
to repose itself on him; and had outgoings of soul after God in prayer.
Enjoyed some divine assistance, in the forenoon, in preaching; but in
the afternoon, was more perplexed with shame, &c. Afterwards, found
some relief in prayer; loved, as a feeble, afflicted, despised creature,
to cast myself on a God of infinite grace and goodness, hoping for no
happiness but from him.
"Monday, Feb. 13. Was calm and sedate in morning-devotions;
and my soul seemed to rely on God.--Rode to Stockbridge, and enjoyed some
comfortable meditations by the way; had a more refreshing taste and relish
of heavenly blessedness than I have enjoyed for many months past. I have
many times, of late, felt as ardent desires of holiness as ever; but not
so much sense of the sweetness and unspeakable pleasure of the enjoyments
and employments of heaven. My soul longed to leave earth, and bear a part
with angels in their celestial employments. My soul said, 'Lord, it is
good to be here;' and it appeared to be better to die than to lose the
relish of these heavenly delights."
A sense of divine things seemed to continue with him, in a lesser degree,
through the next day. On Wednesday he was, by some discourse
that he heard, cast into a melancholy gloom, that operated much in the same
manner as his melancholy had formerly done, when he came first to Kaunaumeek;
the effects of which seemed to continue in some degree the six following
days.
"Wednesday, Feb. 22. In the morning had as clear
a sense of the exceeding pollution of my nature, as ever I remember to
have had in my life. I then appeared to myself inexpressibly loathsome
and defiled; sins of childhood, of early youth, and such follies as I
had not thought of for years together, as I remember, came now fresh to
my view as if committed but yesterday, and appeared in the most odious
colours; they appeared more in numbers than the hairs of my head; yea,
they 'went over my head as a heavy burden.'--In the evening, the hand
of faith seemed to be strengthened in God; my soul seemed to rest and
acquiesce in him; was supported under my burdens, reading the 125th Psalm;
and found that it was sweet and comfortable to lean on God.
"Thursday, Feb. 23. Was frequent in prayer, and enjoyed some
assistance.--There is a God in heaven who overrules all things for the
best; and this is the comfort of my soul: 'I had fainted, unless I had
believed to see the goodness of God in the land of the living,' notwithstanding
present sorrows.--In the evening, enjoyed some freedom in prayer, for
myself, friends, and the church of God.
"Friday, Feb. 24. Was exceeding restless and perplexed under
a sense of the misimprovement of time; mourned to see time pass away;
felt in the greatest hurry; seemed to have every thing to do: yet could
do nothing, but only grieve and groan under my ignorance, unprofitableness,
meanness, the foolishness of my actions and thoughts, the pride and bitterness
of some past frames, all which at this time appeared to me in lively colours,
and filled me with shame. I could not compose my mind to any profitable
studies, by reason of this pressure. And the reason, I judge, why I am
not allowed to study a great part of my time, is, because I am endeavouring
to lay in such a stock of knowledge, as shall be a self-sufficiency.--I
know it to be my indispensable duty to study, and qualify myself in the
best manner I can for public service; but this is my misery, I naturally
study and prepare, that I may 'consume it upon my lusts' of pride and
self-confidence."
He continued in much the same frame of uneasiness at the misimprovement
of time, and pressure of spirit under a sense of vileness, unprofitableness,
&c. for the six following days; excepting some intervals of calmness
and composure, in resignation to and confidence in God.
"Friday, March 2. Was most of the day employed
in writing on a divine subject. Was frequent in prayer, and enjoyed some
small degree of assistance. But in the evening, God was pleased to grant
me a divine sweetness in prayer; especially in the duty of intercession.
I think I never felt so much kindness and love to those who, I have reason
to think, are my enemies--though at that time I found such a disposition
to think the best of all, that I scarce knew how to think that any such
thing as enmity and hatred lodged in any soul; it seemed as if all the
world must needs be friends--and never prayed with more freedom and delight,
for myself, or dearest friend, than I did now for my enemies.
"Saturday, March 3. In the morning spent (I believe) an hour
in prayer, with great intenseness and freedom, and with the most soft
and tender affection towards mankind. I longed that those who, I have
reason to think, owe me ill will, might be eternally happy. It seemed
refreshing to think of meeting them in heaven, how much soever they had
injured me on earth: had no disposition to insist upon any confession
from them, in order to reconciliation, and the exercise of love and kindness
to them. O it is an emblem of heaven itself, to love all the world with
a love of kindness, forgiveness, and benevolence; to feel our souls sedate,
mild, and meek; to be void of all evil surmisings and suspicions, and
scarce able to think evil of any man upon any occasion; to find our hearts
simple, open, and free, to those that look upon us with a different eye!--Prayer
was so sweet an exercise to me, that I knew not how to cease, lest I should
lose the spirit of prayer. Felt no disposition to eat or drink, for the
sake of the pleasure of it, but only to support my nature, and fit me
for divine service. Could not be content without a very particular mention
of a great number of dear friends at the throne of grace; as also the
particular circumstances of many, so far as they were known.
"Lord's day, March 4. In the morning, enjoyed the same intenseness
in prayer as yesterday morning, though not in so great a degree: felt
the same spirit of love, universal benevolence, forgiveness, humility,
resignation, mortification to the world, and composure of mind, as then.
My soul rested in God; and I found I wanted no other refuge or
friend. While my soul thus trusts in God, all things seem to be at peace
with me, even the stones of the earth: but when I cannot apprehend and
confide in God, all things appear with a different aspect."
Through the four next days he complains of barrenness, want of holy
confidence in God, stupidity, wanderings of mind, &c. and speaks of
oppression of mind under a sense of exceeding meanness, past follies, as
well as present workings of corruption.--On Friday he seems to have
been restored to a considerable degree of the same excellent frame that
he enjoyed the Saturday before.
"Saturday, March 10. In the morning, felt exceeding
dead to the world, and all its enjoyments: I thought I was ready and willing
to give up life and all its comforts, as soon as called to it; and yet
then had as much comfort of life as almost ever I had. Life itself now
appeared but an empty bubble; the riches, honours, and common enjoyments
of life appeared extremely tasteless. I longed to be perpetually and entirely
crucified to all things here below, by cross of Christ.
My soul was sweetly resigned to God's disposal of me, in every regard;
and I saw there had nothing happened but what was best for me. I confided
in God, that he would never leave me, though I should 'walk through
the valley of the shadow of death.' It was then my meat and drink to
be holy, to live to the Lord, and die to the Lord. And I thought,
that I then enjoyed such a heaven, as far exceeded the most sublime conceptions
of an unregenerate soul; and even unspeakably beyond what I myself could
conceive of at another time. I did not wonder that Peter said, "Lord,
it is good to be here," when thus refreshed with divine glories.
My soul was full of love and tenderness in the duty of intercession; especially
felt a most sweet affection to some precious godly ministers of my acquaintance.
Prayed earnestly for dear Christians, and for those I have reason to fear
are my enemies; and could not have spoken a word of bitterness, or entertained
a bitter thought, against the vilest man living. Had a sense of my own
great unworthiness. My soul seemed to breathe forth love and praise to
God afresh, when I thought he would let his children love and receive
me as one of their brethren and fellow-citizens. When I thought of their
treating me in that manner, I longed to lie at their feet; and could think
of no way to express the sincerity and simplicity of my love and esteem
of them, as being much better than myself.--Towards night was very sorrowful;
seemed to myself the worst creature living; and could not pray, nor meditate,
nor think of holding up my face before the world.--Was a little relieved
in prayer, in the evening; but longed to get on my knees, and ask forgiveness
of every body that ever had seen any thing amiss in my past conduct, especially
in my religious zeal.--Was afterwards much perplexed, so that I
could not sleep quietly.
"Lord's day, March 11. My soul was in some measure strengthened
in God, in morning devotion; so that I was released from trembling
fear and distress.--Preached to my people from the parable of the sower,
Matt. xiii. and enjoyed some assistance, both parts of the day: had some
freedom, affection, and fervency in addressing my poor people; longed
that God should take hold of their hearts, and make them spiritually alive.
And indeed I had so much to say to them, that I knew not how to leave
off speaking. (Footnote: This was the last sabbath that ever he performed
public service at Kaunaumeek, and these the last sermons that ever he
preached there. It appears by his diary, that while he continued with
these Indians, he took great pains with them, and did it with much discretion:
but the particular manner how, has been omitted for brevity's sake.)
"Monday, March 12. In the morning was in a devout, tender,
and loving frame of mind; and was enabled to cry to God, I hope, with
a child-like spirit, with importunity, and resignation, and composure
of mind. My spirit was full of quietness, and love to mankind; and longed
that peace should reign on the earth: was grieved at the very thoughts
of a fiery, angry, and intemperate zeal in religion;
mourned over past follies in that regard; and my soul confided in God
for strength and grace sufficient for my future work and trials.--Spent
the day mainly in hard labour, making preparation for my intended journey.
"Tuesday, March 13. Felt my soul going forth after God sometimes;
but not with such ardency as I longed for. In the evening, was enabled
to continue instant in prayer, for some considerable time together;
and especially had respect to the journey I designed to enter upon, with
the leave of Divine Providence, on the morrow. Enjoyed some freedom and
fervency, entreating that the divine presence might attend me in every
place where my business might lead me; and had a particular reference
to the trials and temptations that I apprehended I might be more eminently
exposed to in particular places. Was strengthened and comforted; although
I was before very weary. Truly the joy of the Lord is strength
and life.
"Wednesday, March 14. Enjoyed some intenseness of soul in
prayer, repeating my petitions for God's presence in every place where
I expected to be in my journey. Besought the Lord that I might not be
too much pleased and amused with dear friends and acquaintance, in one
place and another.--Near ten set out on my journey; and near night came
to Stockbridge.
"Thursday, March 15. Rode down to Sheffield. Here I met a
messenger from East Hampton on Long-Island; who by the unanimous vote
of that large town, was sent to invite me thither, in order to settle
with that people, where I had been before frequently invited. Seemed more
at a loss what was my duty than before; when I heard of the great difficulties
of that place, I was much concerned and grieved, and felt some desires
to comply with their request; but knew not what to do: endeavoured to
commit the case to God."
The two next days he went no further than Salisbury, being much hindered
by the rain. When he came there, he was much indisposed.--He speaks of comfortable
and profitable conversation with christian friends, on these days.
"Lord's day, March 18. [At Salisbury.] Was exceeding
weak and faint, so that I could scarce walk: but God was pleased to afford
me much freedom, clearness, and fervency in preaching: I have not had
the like assistance in preaching to sinners for many months past.--Here
another messenger met me, and informed me of the vote of another congregation,
to give me an invitation to come among them upon probation for settlement.
(Footnote: This congregation was that at Millington, near Haddam. They
were very earnestly desirous of his coming among them.) Was somewhat exercised
in mind with a weight and burden of care. O that God would 'send forth
faithful labourers into his harvest!'"
After this he went forward on his journey towards New York and New Jersey:
in which he proceeded slowly; performing his journey under great degrees
of bodily indisposition. However, he preached several times by the way,
being urged by friends; in which he had considerable assistance. He speaks
of comfort in conversation with christian friends, from time to time, and
of various things in the exercises and frames of his heart, that show much
of a divine influence on his mind in this journey: but yet complains of
the things that he feared, viz. a decline of his spiritual
life, or vivacity in religion, by means of his constant removal from place
to place, and want of retirement; and complains bitterly of his unworthiness,
deadness, &c.--He came to New York on Wednesday, March
28, and to Elizabeth-town on the Saturday following, where it seems
he waited till the commissioners came together.
"Thursday, April 5. Was again much exercised with
weakness, and with pain in my head. Attended on the commissioners in their
meeting. (Footnote: The Indians at Kaunaumeek being but few in number,
and Mr. Brainerd having now been labouring among them about a year, and
having prevailed upon them to be willing to leave Kaunaumeek, and remove
to Stockbridge, to live constantly under Mr. Sergeant's ministry; he thought
he might now do more service for Christ among the Indians elsewhere; and
therefore went this journey to New Jersey to lay the matter before the
commissioners; who met at Elizabeth-town, on this occasion, and determined
that he should forthwith leave Kaunaumeek, and go to the Delaware Indians.)
Resolved to go on still with the Indian affair, if Divine Providence permitted;
although I had before felt some inclination to go to East Hampton, where
I was solicited to go." (Footnote: By the invitations Mr. Brainerd
had lately received, it appears, that it was not from necessity, or for
want of opportunities to settle in the ministry amongst the English, notwithstanding
the disgrace he had been laid under at college, that he was determined
to forsake all the outward comforts to be enjoyed in the English settlements,
to go and spend his life among the brutish savages, and endure
the difficulties and self-denials of an Indian mission. He had,
just as he was leaving Kaunaumeek, had an earnest invitation to a settlement
at East Hampton on Long Island, the fairest, pleasantest town on the whole
island, and one of its largest and most wealthy parishes. The people there
were unanimous in their desires to have him for their pastor, and for
a long time continued in an earnest pursuit of what they desired, and
were hardly brought to relinquish their endeavours and give up their hopes
of obtaining him. Besides the invitation he had to Millington; which was
near his native town, and in the midst of his friends. Nor did Mr. Brainerd
choose the business of a missionary to the Indians, rather than accept
of those invitations, because he was unacquainted with the difficulties
and sufferings which attended such a service; for he had had experience
of these difficulties in summer and winter; having spent about a twelvemonth
in a lonely desert among these savages, where he had gone through extreme
hardships, and been the subject of a train of outward and inward sorrows,
which were now fresh in his mind. Notwithstanding all these things, he
chose still to go on with this business; and that although the place he
was now going to, was at a still much greater distance from most of his
friends, acquaintance, and native land.)
After this, he continued two or three days in the Jerseys, very ill; and
then returned to New York; and from thence into New England; and went to
his native town of Haddam, where he arrived on Saturday, April 14.--And
he continues still his bitter complaints of want of retirement. While he
was in New York, he says thus, "Oh, it is not the pleasures of the
world can comfort me! If God deny his presence, what are the
pleasures of the city to me? One hour of sweet retirement where God
is, is better than the whole world." And he continues to complain
of his ignorance, meanness, and unworthiness. However, he speaks of some
seasons of special assistance, and divine sweetness.--He spent some days
among his friends at East Hampton and Millington.
"Tuesday, April 17. Rode to Millington again; and
felt perplexed when I set out; was feeble in body, and weak in faith.
I was going to preach a lecture; and feared I should never have assistance
enough to get through. But contriving to ride alone, at a distance from
the company that was going, I spent the time in lifting up my heart to
God: had not gone far before my soul was abundantly strengthened with
those words, 'If God be for us, who can be against us?' I went on, confiding
in God; and fearing nothing so much as self-confidence. In this frame
I went to the house of God, and enjoyed some assistance. Afterwards felt
the spirit of love and meekness in conversation with some friends. Then
rode home to my brother's; and in the evening, singing hymns with friends,
my soul seemed to melt; and in prayer afterwards, enjoyed the exercise
of faith, and was enabled to be fervent in spirit: found
more of God's presence, than I have done any time in my late wearisome
journey. Eternity appeared very near; my nature was very weak, and seemed
ready to be dissolved; the sun declining, and the shadows of the evening
drawing on apace. O I longed to fill up the remaining moments all for
God! Though my body was so feeble, and wearied with preaching, and much
private conversation, yet I wanted to sit up all night to do something
for God. To God, the giver of these refreshments, be glory for ever and
ever. Amen.
"Wednesday, April 18. Was very weak, and enjoyed but little
spiritual comfort. Was exercised with one who cavilled against original
sin. May the Lord open his eyes to see the fountain of sin in himself!"
After this, he visited several ministers in Connecticut; and then travelled
towards Kaunaumeek, and came to Mr. Sergeant's at Stockbridge, Thursday,
April 26. He performed this journey in a very weak state of body. The
things he speaks of, appertaining to the frames and exercises of his mind,
are at some times deadness and want of spiritual comfort; at other times,
resting in God, spiritual sweetness in conversation, engagedness in meditation
on the road, assistance in preaching, rejoicing to think that so much more
of his work was done, and he so much nearer to the eternal world. And he
once and again speaks of a sense of great ignorance, spiritual pollution,
&c.
"Friday and Saturday, April 27, and 28.
Spent some time in visiting friends, and discoursing with my people, (who
were now moved down from their own place to Mr. Sergeant's,) and found
them very glad to see me returned. Was exercised in my mind with a sense
of my own unworthiness.
"Lord's day, April 29. Preached for Mr. Sergeant, both parts
of the day, from Rev. xiv. 4. 'These are they which were not defiled,'
&c. Enjoyed some freedom in preaching, though not much spirituality.
In the evening, my heart was in some measure lifted up in thankfulness
to God for any assistance.
"Monday, April 30. Rode to Kaunaumeek, but was extremely ill;
did not enjoy the comfort I hoped for in my own house.
"Tuesday, May 1. Having received new orders to on to a number
of Indians on Delaware river in Pennsylvania, and my people here being
mostly removed to Mr. Sergeant's, I this day took all my clothes, books,
&c. and disposed of them, and set out for Delaware river: but made
it my way to return to Mr. Sergeant's; which I did this day, just at night.
Rode several hours in the rain through the howling wilderness, although
I was so disordered in body, that little or nothing but blood came from
me."
He continued at Stockbridge the next day, and on Thursday
rode a little way, to Sheffield, under a great degree of illness; but with
encouragement and cheerfulness of mind under his fatigues. On Friday
he rode to Salisbury, and continued there till after the sabbath. He speaks
of his soul's being, some part of this time, refreshed in conversation with
some christian friends, about their heavenly home and their journey thither.
At other times, he speaks of himself as exceedingly perplexed with barrenness
and deadness, and has this exclamation, "Oh, that time should pass
with so little done for God!"--On Monday he rode to Sharon;
and speaks of himself as distressed at the consideration of the misimprovement
of time.
"Tuesday, May 8. Set out from Sharon in Connecticut,
and travelled about forty-five miles to a place called the Fish-kill;
(Footnote: A place so called in New York government, near Hudson's river,
on the west side of the river.) and lodged there. Spent much of my time,
while riding, in prayer, that God would go with me to Delaware. My heart
sometimes was ready to sink with the thoughts of my work, and going alone
in the wilderness, I knew not where: but still it was comfortable to think,
that others of God's children had 'wandered about in caves and dens of
the earth,' and Abraham, when he was called to go forth, 'went out, not
knowing whither he went.' O that I might follow after God!"
The next day he went forward on his journey; crossed Hudson's river,
and went to Goshen in the Highlands; and so travelled across the woods,
from Hudson's river to Delaware, about a hundred miles, through a desolate
and hideous country, above New Jersey; where were very few settlements;
in which journey he suffered much fatigue and hardship. He visited some
Indians in the way, (Footnote: See Mr. Brainerd's Narrative, in a
letter to Mr. Pemberton, among his Remains.) and discoursed with them concerning
Christianity. Was considerably melancholy and disconsolate, being alone
in a strange wilderness. On Saturday he came to a settlement of Irish
and Dutch people, about twelve miles above the Forks of Delaware.
"Lord's day, May 13. Rose early; felt very poorly
after my long journey, and after being wet and fatigued. Was very melancholy;
have scarce even seen such a gloomy morning in my life; there appeared
to be no sabbath; the children were all at play; I a stranger in
the wilderness, and knew not where to go; and all circumstances seemed
to conspire to render my affairs dark and discouraging. Was disappointed
respecting an interpreter, and heard that the Indians were much
scattered, &c. Oh, I mourned after the presence of God, and seemed
like a creature banished from his sight! yet he was pleased to support
my sinking soul, amidst all my sorrows; so that I never entertained any
thought of quitting my business among the poor Indians; but was comforted
to think that death would ere long set me free from these distresses.--Rode
about three or four miles to the Irish people, where I found some that
appeared sober and concerned about religion. My heart then began to be
a little encouraged: went and preached first to the Irish, and then to
the Indians; and in the evening, was a little comforted; my soul seemed
to rest on God, and take courage. O that the Lord would be my support
and comforter in an evil world!
"Monday, May 14. Was very busy in some necessary studies.
Felt myself very loose from all the world; all appeared 'vanity and vexation
of spirit.' Seemed lonesome and disconsolate, as if I were banished from
all mankind, and bereaved of all that is called pleasurable in the world;
but appeared to myself so vile and unworthy, it seemed fitter for me to
be here than any where.
"Tuesday, May 15. Still much engaged in my studies; and enjoy
more health than I have for some time past: but was something dejected
in spirit with a sense of my meanness; seemed as if I could never do any
thing at all to any good purpose by reason of ignorance and folly. O that
a sense of these things might work more habitual humility in my soul!"
He continued much in the same frame the next day.
"Thursday, May 17. Was this day greatly distressed
with a sense of my vileness; appeared to myself too bad to walk |