| Part VII. From His Beginning to Preach to the Indians at Crossweeksung,
till He Returned from His Last Journey to Susquehannah. Ill with the Consumption
Whereof He Died.
We are now come to that part of Mr. Brainerd's life, wherein he had his
greatest success, in his labours for the good of souls, and in
his particular business as a missionary to the Indians. An account
of which, if here published, would doubtless be very entertaining to the
reader, after he has seen, by the preceding parts of this account of his
life, how great and long-continued his desires for the spiritual good
of this sort of people were; how he prayed, laboured, and wrestled, and
how much he denied himself, and suffered, to this end. After all Mr. Brainerd's
agonizing in prayer, and travailing in birth, for the conversion of Indians,
and all the interchanges of his raised hopes and expectations, and then
disappointments and discouragements; and after waiting in a way of persevering
prayer, labour, and suffering, as it were through a long night;
at length the day dawns: "Weeping continues for a night, but
joy comes in the morning. He went forth weeping, bearing precious seed,
and now he comes with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him."
The desired event is brought to pass at last; but at a time, in a place,
and upon subjects, that scarce ever entered into his heart. An account
of this would undoubtedly now much gratify the christian reader: and it
should have been here inserted, as it stands in his diary, had it not
been, that a particular account of this glorious and wonderful success
was drawn up by Mr. Brainerd himself, pursuant to the order of the Honourable
Society in Scotland, and published by him in his lifetime. I hope those
of my readers, who are not already possessed of his public Journal,
will procure one of those books, that they may not be without that which
in some respects is the most remarkable, and to a christian mind
would be the most pleasant part, of the whole story. That the reader
who is furnished with one of those books, may know the place where
the defects of this history are to be supplied from thence, I shall either
expressly observe it as I go along, or else make a dash or stroke thus
---; which when the reader finds in this 7th part of this history, he
is to understand by it, that in that place something in Mr. Brainerd's
diary, worth observing, is left out, because the same for
substance was published before in his printed Journal. (Footnote:
The reader will find the Journal here mentioned in a subsequent
part of this volume/site.)
"Wednesday, June 19, 1745. Rode to the Indians
at Crossweeksung: found few at home; discoursed to them, however, and
observed them very serious and attentive. At night I was extremely worn
out, and scarce able to walk or sit up. Oh, how tiresome is earth! how
dull the body"
"Thursday, June 20. Towards night preached to the Indians
again; and had more hearers than before. In the evening enjoyed some peace
and serenity of mind, some composure and comfort in prayer alone; and
was enabled to lift up my head with some degree of joy, under an apprehension
that my redemption draws nigh. Oh, blessed be God, that there remains
a rest to his poor weary people"
"Friday, June 21. Rode to Freehold, to see Mr. William Tennent;
and spent the day comfortably with him. My sinking spirits were a little
raised and encouraged; and I felt my soul breathing after God, in the
midst of christian conversation. And in the evening, was refreshed in
secret prayer; saw myself a poor worthless creature, without wisdom to
direct, or strength to help myself. Oh, blessed be God, that lays me under
a happy, a blessed necessity of living upon himself"
"Saturday, June 22. About noon rode to the Indians again;
and near night preached to them. Found my body much strengthened, and
was enabled to speak with abundant plainness and warmth. And the power
of God evidently attended the word; so that sundry persons were brought
under great concern for their souls, and made to shed many tears, and
to wish for Christ to save them. My soul was much refreshed, and quickened
in my work: and I could not but spend much time with them, in order to
open both their misery and remedy. This was indeed a sweet afternoon to
me. While riding, before I came to the Indians, my spirits were refreshed,
and my soul enabled to cry to God almost incessantly, for many miles together.
In the evening also I found the consolations of God were not small: I
was then willing to live, and in some respects desirous of it, that I
might do something for the dear kingdom of Christ; and yet death appeared
pleasant: so that I was in some measure in a strait between two,
having a desire to depart. I am often weary of this world, and want to
leave it on that account; but it is desirable to be drawn, rather
than driven, out of it."
In the four next days is nothing remarkable in his diary, but what
is in his public Journal.
"Thursday, June 27.--My soul rejoiced to find,
that God enabled me to be faithful, and that he was pleased to awaken
these poor Indians by my means. O how heart-reviving and soul-refreshing
is it to me to see the fruit of my labours"
"Friday, June 28. In the evening my soul was revived, and
my heart lifted up to God in prayer, for my poor Indians, myself, and
friends, and the dear church of God. And O how refreshing, how sweet was
this! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not his goodness and tender
mercy.
"Saturday, June 29. Preached twice to the Indians; and could
not but wonder at their seriousness, and the strictness of their attention.--Blessed
be God that has inclined their hearts to hear. And O how refreshing it
is to me, to see them attend with such uncommon diligence and affection,
with tears in their eyes, and concern in their hearts! In the evening
could not but lift up my heart to God in prayer, while riding to my lodgings;
and blessed be his name, had assistance and freedom. O how much better
than life is the presence of God!"
His diary gives an account of nothing remarkable on the two next days,
besides what is in his public Journal; excepting his heart being lifted
up with thankfulness, rejoicing in God, &c.
"Tuesday, July 2. Rode from the Indians to Brunswick,
near forty miles, and lodged there. Felt my heart drawn out after God
in prayer, almost all the forenoon; especially while riding. And in the
evening, could not help crying to God for those poor Indians; and after
I went to bed, my heart continued to go out to God for them, till I dropped
asleep. O blessed be God that I may pray!"
He was so fatigued by constant preaching to these Indians, yielding to their
earnest and importunate desires, that he found it necessary to give himself
some relaxation. He spent therefore about a week in New Jersey, after he
left these Indians, visiting several ministers, and performing some necessary
business, before he went to the Forks of Delaware. And though he was very
weak in body, yet he seems to have been strong in spirit. On Friday,
July 12, he arrived at his own house in the Forks of Delaware; continuing
still free from melancholy; from day to day, enjoying freedom, assistance,
and refreshment in the inner man. But on Wednesday, the next week,
he seems to have had some melancholy thoughts about his doing so little
for God, being so much hindered by weakness of body.
"Thursday, July 18. Longed to spend the little
inch of time I have in the world more for God. Felt a spirit of seriousness,
tenderness, sweetness, and devotion; and wished to spend the whole night
in prayer and communion with God.
"Friday, July 19. In the evening walked abroad for prayer
and meditation, and enjoyed composure and freedom in these sweet exercises;
especially in meditation on Rev. iii. 12. 'Him that overcometh will I
make a pillar in the temple of my God,' &c. This was then a delightful
theme to me, and it refreshed my soul to dwell upon it. Oh, when shall
I go no more out from the service and enjoyment of the dear Lord!
Lord, hasten the blessed day."
Within the space of the next six days he speaks of much inward refreshment
and enlargement, from time to time.
"Friday, July 26. In the evening God was pleased
to help me in prayer, beyond what I have experienced for some time; especially
my soul was drawn out for the enlargement of Christ's kingdom, and for
the conversion of my poor people: and my soul relied on God for the accomplishment
of that great work. Oh, how sweet were the thoughts of death to
me at this time! Oh, how I longed to be with Christ, to be employed in
the glorious work of angels, and with an angel's freedom, vigour, and
delight! And yet how willing was I to stay awhile on earth, that I might
do something, if the Lord pleased, for his interest in the world! My soul,
my very soul, longed for the ingathering of the poor heathen; and I cried
to God for them most willingly and heartily; I could not but cry. This
was a sweet season; for I had some lively taste of heaven, and a temper
of mind suited in some measure to the employments and entertainments of
it. My soul was grieved to leave the place; but my body was weak and worn
out, and it was near nine o'clock. Oh, I longed that the remaining part
of my life might be filled up with more fervency and activity in the things
of God! Oh the inward peace, composure, and God-like serenity of such
a frame! heaven must needs differ from this only in degree, and not in
kind. Lord, ever give me this bread of life."
Much of this frame seemed to continue the next day.
"Lord's day, July 28. In the evening my soul was
melted, and my heart broken, with a sense of past barrenness and deadness:
and oh, how I then longed to live to God, and bring forth much fruit to
his glory"
"Monday, July 29. Was much exercised with a sense of vileness,
with guilt and shame before God."
For other things remarkable, while he was this time at the Forks of Delaware,
the reader must be referred to his public Journal. As particularly
for his labours and success there among the Indians.
On Wednesday, July 31, he set out on his return to Crossweeksung,
and arrived there the next day. In his way thither, he had longing
desires that he might come to the Indians there, in the 'fulness of the
blessing of the gospel of Christ;' attended with a sense of his own great
weakness, dependence, and worthlessness.
"Friday, Aug. 2. In the evening I retired, and
my soul was drawn out to prayer to God; especially for my poor people,
to whom I had sent word that they might gather together, that I might
preach to them the next day. I was much enlarged in praying for their
saving conversion; and scarce ever found my desires of any thing of this
nature so sensibly and clearly (to my own satisfaction) disinterested,
and free from selfish views. It seemed to me I had no care, or hardly
any desire, to be the instrument of so glorious a work, as I wished and
prayed for among the Indians: if the blessed work might be accomplished
to the honour of God, and the enlargement of the dear Redeemer's kingdom,
this was all my desire and care; and for this mercy I hoped, but with
trembling; for I felt what Job expresses, chap. ix. 16. 'If I had called,
and he had answered,' &c. My rising hopes, respecting the conversion
of the Indians, have been so often dashed, that my spirit is as it were
broken, and courage wasted, and I hardly dare hope."
Concerning his labours and marvellous success amongst the Indians, for the
following ten days, let the reader see his public Journal.
The things worthy of note in his diary, not there published, are
his earnest and importunate prayers for the Indians, and the travail
of his soul for them from day to day; and his great refreshment and
joy in beholding the wonderful mercy of God, and the glorious manifestations
of his power and grace in his work among them; and his ardent thanksgivings
to God; his heart rejoicing in Christ, as King of his church, and King of
his soul: in particular, at the sacrament of the Lord's supper at Mr. Macknight's
meeting-house; together with a sense of his own exceeding unworthiness,
which sometimes was attended with dejection and melancholy.
"Monday, Aug. 19.--Near noon, I rode to Freehold,
and preached to a considerable assembly, from Matt. v. 3. 'Blessed are
the poor in spirit,' &c. It pleased God to leave me to be very dry
and barren; so that I do not remember to have been so straitened for a
whole twelvemonth past. God is just, and he has made my soul acquiesce
in his will in this regard. It is contrary to flesh and blood,
to be cut off from all freedom, in a large auditory, where their expectations
were much raised: but so it was with me; and God helped me to say Amen
to it; 'Good is the will of the Lord.' In the evening I felt quiet and
composed, and had freedom and comfort in secret prayer.
"Tuesday, Aug. 20. Was composed and comfortable, still in
a resigned frame. Travelled from Mr. Terment's in Freehold to Elizabeth-town.
Was refreshed to see friends, and relate to them what God had done, and
was still doing, among my poor people.
"Wednesday, Aug. 21. Spent the forenoon in conversation with
Mr. Dickinson, contriving something for the settlement of the Indians
together in a body, that they might be under better advantages for instruction.
In the afternoon spent time agreeably with other friends; wrote to my
brother at college: but was grieved that time slid away, while I did so
little for God.
"Friday, Aug. 23. In the morning was very weak; but favoured
with some freedom and sweetness in prayer: was composed and comfortable
in mind. After noon rode to Crossweeksung to my poor people. ---
"Saturday, Aug. 24. --- Had composure and peace, while riding
from the Indians to my lodgings: was enabled to pour out my soul to God
for dear friends in New England. Felt a sweet tender frame of spirit:
my soul was composed and refreshed in God. Had likewise freedom and earnestness
in praying for my dear people: blessed be God. 'O the peace of God that
passeth all understanding!' It is impossible to describe the sweet peace
of conscience, and tenderness of soul, I then enjoyed. O the blessed foretastes
of heaven"
"Lord's day, Aug. 25.--I rode to my lodgings in the evening,
blessing the Lord for his gracious visitation of the Indians, and the
soul-refreshing things I had seen the day past amongst them, and praying
that God would still carry on his divine work among them.
"Monday, Aug. 26.--I went from the Indians to my lodgings,
rejoicing for the goodness of God to my poor people; and enjoyed freedom
of soul in prayer, and other duties, in the evening. Bless the Lord,
O my soul."
The next day he set out on a journey towards the Forks of Delaware,
designing to go from thence to Susquehannah, before he returned to Crossweeksung.
It was five days from his departure from Crossweeksung, before he
reached the Forks, going round by the way of Philadelphia, and waiting on
the governor of Pennsylvania, to get a recommendation from him to the chiefs
of the Indians; which he obtained. He speaks of much comfort and spiritual
refreshment in this journey; and also a sense of his exceeding unworthiness,
thinking himself the meanest creature that ever lived.
"Lord's day, Sept. 1. [At the Forks of Delaware]
--- God gave me the spirit of prayer, and it was a blessed season
in that respect. My soul cried to God for mercy, in an affectionate manner.
In the evening also my soul rejoiced in God."
His private diary has nothing remarkable, for the two next days,
but what is in his public Journal.
"Wednesday, Sept. 4. Rode fifteen miles to an Irish
settlement, and preached there from Luke xiv. 22. 'And yet there is room.'
God was pleased to afford me some tenderness and enlargement in the first
prayer, and much freedom, as well as warmth, in sermon. There were many
tears in the assembly: the people of God seemed to melt, and others to
be in some measure awakened. Blessed be the Lord, that lets me see his
work going on in one place and another."
The account for Thursday is the same for substance as in his public
Journal.
"Friday, Sept. 6. Enjoyed some freedom and intenseness
of mind in prayer alone; and longed to have my soul more warmed with divine
and heavenly things. Was somewhat melancholy towards night, and longed
to die and quit a scene of sin and darkness; but was a little supported
in prayer."
This melancholy continued the next day.
"Lord's day, Sept. 8. In the evening God was pleased
to enlarge me in prayer, and give me freedom at the throne of grace. I
cried to God for the enlargement of his kingdom in the world, and in particular
among my dear people; was also enabled to pray for many dear ministers
of my acquaintance, both in these parts and in New England; and also for
other dear friends in New England. And my soul was so engaged and enlarged
in the sweet exercise, that I spent near an hour in it, and knew not how
to leave the mercy-seat. On, how I delighted to pray and cry to God! I
saw God was both able and willing to do all that I desired, for myself
and friends, and his church in general. I was likewise much enlarged and
assisted in family prayer. And afterwards, when I was just going to bed,
God helped me to renew my petitions with ardency and freedom. Oh, it was
to me a blessed evening of prayer! Bless the Lord, O my soul."
The next day he set out from the Forks of Delaware to go to Susquehannah.
And on the fifth day of his journey he arrived at Shaumoking, a large
Indian town on Susquehannah river. He performed the journey under a considerable
degree of melancholy.
"Saturday, Sept. 14. At [Shaumoking] --- In the
evening my soul was enlarged and sweetly engaged in prayer; especially
that God would set up his kingdom in this place, where the devil
now reigns in the most eminent manner. And I was enabled to ask this for
God, for his glory, and because I longed for the enlargement of his kingdom,
to the honour of his dear name. I could appeal to God with the greatest
freedom, that he knew it was his dear cause, and not my own, that
engaged my heart: and my soul cried, 'Lord, set up thy kingdom, for thine
own glory. Glorify thyself; and I shall rejoice. Get honour to thy blessed
name; and this is all I desire. Do with me just what thou wilt. Blessed
be thy name for ever, that thou art God, and that thou wilt glorify thyself.
O that the whole world might glorify thee! O let these poor people be
brought to know thee, and love thee, for the glory of thy dear ever-blessed
name!" I could not but hope, that God would bring in these miserable,
wicked Indians; though there appeared little human probability of it;
for they were then dancing and revelling, as if possessd
by the devil. But yet I hoped, though against hope,
that God would be glorified, and that his name would be glorified by these
poor Indians. I continued long in prayer and praise to God; and had great
freedom, enlargement, and sweetness, remembering dear friends in New England,
as well as the people of my charge. Was entirely free from that dejection
of spirit with which I am frequently exercised. Blessed be God!"
His diary from this time to Sept. 22, (the last day of his continuance
among the Indians at Susquehannah,) is not legible, by reason of the badness
of the ink. It was probably written with the juice of some berries found
in the woods, having no other ink in that wilderness. So that for this space
of time the reader must be wholly referred to his public Journal.
On Monday, Sept. 23, he left the Indians, in order to return to the
Forks of Delaware, in a very weak state of body, and under dejection of
mind, which continued the two first days of his journey.
"Wednesday, Sept. 25. Rode still homeward. In the
forenoon enjoyed freedom and intenseness of mind in meditation on Job
xlii. 5, 6. 'I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear; but now mine
eye seeth thee: wherefore I abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes.'
The Lord gave me clearness to penetrate into the sweet truths contained
in that text. It was a comfortable and sweet season to me.
"Thursday, Sept. 26. Was still much disordered in body, and
able to ride but slowly. Continued my journey, however. Near night, arrived
at the Irish settlement, about fifteen miles from mine own house. This
day, while riding, I was much exercised with a sense of my barrenness;
and verily thought there was no creature that had any true grace, but
what was more spiritual and fruitful. I could not think that any of God's
children made so poor a hand of living to God.
"Friday, Sept. 27. Spent a considerable time in the morning
in prayer and praise to God. My mind was somewhat intense in the duty,
and my heart in some degree warmed with a sense of divine things. My soul
was melted to think that 'God had accounted me faithful, putting me into
the ministry,' notwithstanding all my barrenness and deadness. My soul
was also in some measure enlarged in prayer for the dear people of my
charge, as well as for other dear friends. In the afternoon visited some
christian friends, and spent the time, I think, profitably: my heart was
warmed, and more engaged in the things of God. In the evening I enjoyed
enlargement, warmth, and comfort in prayer: my soul relied on God for
assistance and grace to enable me to do something in his cause; my heart
was drawn out in thankfulness to God for what he had done for his own
glory among my poor people of late. I felt encouraged to proceed in his
work, being persuaded of his power, and hoping his arm might be
further revealed, for the enlargement of his dear kingdom: and
my soul 'rejoiced in hope of the glory of God,' in hope of the advancement
of his declarative glory in the world, as well as of enjoying him in a
world of glory. Oh, blessed be God, the living God, for ever!"
He continued in this comfortable, sweet frame of mind the two next days.
On the day following he went to his own house, in the Forks of Delaware,
and continued still in the same frame. The next day, which was Tuesday,
he visited his Indians.--Wednesday he spent mostly in writing the
meditations he had in his late journey in Susquehannah. On Thursday
he left the Forks of Delaware, and travelled towards Crossweeksung, where
he arrived on Saturday, (October 5,) and continued from day to day
in a comfortable state of mind. There is nothing material in his diary
for this day and the next, but what is in his printed Journal.
"Monday, Oct. 7. Being called by the church and
people of East Hampton on Long Island, as a member of a council, to assist
and advise in affairs of difficulty in that church, I set out on my journey
this morning, before it was well light, and travelled to Elizabeth-town,
and there lodged. Enjoyed some comfort on the road, in conversation with
Mr. Wm. Tennent, who was sent for on the same business."
He prosecuted his journey with the other ministers who were sent for; and
did not return till Oct. 24. While he was at East Hampton, the importance
of the business that the council were come upon, lay with such weight on
his mind, and he was so concerned for the interest of religion in that place,
that he slept but little for several nights successively. In his way to
and fro from East Hampton, he had several seasons of sweet refreshment,
wherein his soul was enlarged and comforted with divine consolations, in
secret retirement; and he had special assistance in public ministerial performances
in the house of God: and yet, at the same time, a sense of extreme vileness
and unprofitableness. From time to time he speaks of soul-refreshment and
comfort in conversation with the ministers that travelled with him; and
seems to have little or nothing of melancholy, till he come to the west
end of Long Island, in his return. After that he was oppressed with dejection
and gloominess of kind, for several days together. --- For an account of
the four first days after his return from his journey, I refer the
reader to his public Journal.
"Monday, Oct. 28. Had an evening of sweet refreshing;
my thoughts were raised to a blessed eternity; my soul was melted with
desires of perfect holiness, and perfectly glorifying God.
"Tuesday, Oct. 29. About noon rode and viewed the Indian lands
at Cranberry: was much dejected, and greatly perplexed in mind; knew not
how to see any body again, my soul was so sunk within me. Oh that these
trials might make me more humble and holy. Oh that God would keep me from
giving way to sinful dejection, which may hinder my usefulness.
"Wednesday, Oct. 30. My soul was refreshed with a view of
the continuance of God's blessed work among the Indians.
"Thursday, Oct. 31. Spent most of the day in writing: enjoyed
not much spiritual comfort; but was not so much sunk with melancholy as
at some other times."
Friday, Nov. 1. See the public Journal.
"Saturday, Nov. 2. Spent the day with the Indians,
and wrote some things of importance; and longed to do more for God than
I did or could do in this present and imperfect state."
Nov. 3, and 4. See the public Journal.--Tuesday, Nov.
5. He left the Indians, and spent the remaining part of this week in travelling
to various parts of New Jersey, in order to get a collection for
the use of the Indians, and to obtain a schoolmaster to instruct
them. And in the mean time he speaks of very sweet refreshment and entertainment
with christian friends, and of his being sweetly employed, while riding,
in meditation on divine subjects; his heart being enlarged, his mind clear,
his spirit refreshed with divine truths, and his "heart burning within
him, while he went by the way and the Lord opened to him the Scriptures."
"Lord's day, Nov. 10. [At Elizabeth-town.] Was
comfortable in the morning, both in body and mind: preached in the forenoon
from 2 Cor. v. 20. 'Now then we are ambassadors for Christ,' &c. God
was pleased to give me freedom and fervency in my discourse; and the presence
of God seemed to be in the assembly; numbers were affected, and there
were many tears among them. In the afternoon preached from Luke xiv. 22.
'And yet there is room.' Was favoured with divine assistance in the first
prayer, and poured out my soul to God with a filial temper of mind; the
living God also assisted me in the sermon."
The next day he went to New-town on Long Island, to a meeting of
the Presbytery. He speaks of some sweet meditations he had while there,
on "Christ delivering up the kingdom to the Father;" and of his
soul being much refreshed and warmed with the consideration of that blissful
day.
"Friday, Nov. 15. Could not cross the ferry by
reason of the violence of the wind; nor could I enjoy any place of retirement
at the ferry-house; so that I was in perplexity. Yet God gave me some
satisfaction and sweetness in meditation, and in lifting up my heart to
him in the midst of company. And although some were drinking and talking
profanely, which was indeed a grief to me, yet my mind was calm and composed.
And I could not but bless God, that I was not like to spend an eternity
in such company. In the evening I sat down and wrote with composure and
freedom; and can say (through pure grace) it was a comfortable evening
to my soul, an evening I was enabled to spend in the service of God.
"Saturday, Nov. 16. Crossed the ferry about ten o'clock; arrived
at Elizabeth-town near night. Was in a calm, composed frame of mind, and
felt an entire resignation with respect to a loss I had lately sustained,
in having my horse stolen from me the last Wednesday night, at
New-town. Had some longings of soul for the dear people of Elizabeth-town,
that God would pour out his Spirit upon them, and revive his
work amongst them."
He spent the four next days at Elizabeth-town, for the most part
in a free and comfortable state of mind, intensely engaged in the service
of God, and enjoying, at some times, the special assistances of his Spirit.
On Thursday, this week, he rode to Freehold, and spent the day under
considerable dejection.
"Friday, Nov. 22. Rode to Mr. Tennent's, and from
thence to Crossweeksung. Had but little freedom in meditation, while riding;
which was a grief and burden to my soul. Oh that I could fill up all my
time, whether in the house or by the way, for God! I was enabled, I think,
this day to give up my soul to God, and put over all my concerns into
his hands; and found some real consolation in the thought of being entirely
at the divine disposal, and having no will or interest of my own. I have
received my all from God; oh that I could return my all
to God! Surely God is worthy of my highest affection, and most devout
adoration; he is infinitely worthy, that I should make him my last end,
and live for ever to him. Oh that I might never more, in any one instance,
live to myself"
"Saturday, Nov. 23. Visited my people; spent the day with
them: wrote some things of importance. But was pretty much dejected most
of the day."
There is nothing very material in his diary for the four next
days, but what is also in his public Journal."
"Thursday, Nov. 28.--I enjoyed some divine comfort
and fervency in the public exercise, and afterwards. And while riding
to my lodgings, was favoured with some sweet meditations on Luke ix. 31.
'Who appeared in glory, and spake of his decease, which he should accomplish
at Jerusalem.' My thoughts ran with freedom, and I saw and felt what a
glorious subject the death of CHRIST is for glorified souls
to dwell upon in their conversation. Oh, the death of CHRIST! how
infinitely precious!"
For the three next days, see the public Journal.
"Monday, Dec. 2. Was much affected with grief,
that I had not lived more to God; and felt strong resolutions to double
my diligence in my Master's service."
After this he went to a meeting of the Presbytery at a place in New
Jersey called Connecticut-Farms; which occasioned his absence from
his people the remainder of this week. He speaks of some seasons of sweetness,
solemnity, and spiritual affection in his absence.--Lord's day, Dec.
8. See his public Journal.
"Monday, Dec. 9. Spent most of the day in procuring
provisions, in order to my setting up house-keeping among the Indians.
Enjoyed little satisfaction through the day, being much out of my element.
"Tuesday, Dec. 10. Was engaged in the same business as yesterday.
Towards night, got into my own house. (Footnote: This is the third
house that he built to dwell in by himself among the Indians: the first
at Kaunaumeek in the county of Albany; the second at the Forks of Delaware
in Pennsylvania, and now this at Crossweeksung in New Jersey.)
"Wednesday, Dec. 11. Spent the forenoon in necessary labour
about my house. In the afternoon, rode out upon business, and spent the
evening with some satisfaction among friends in conversation on a serious
and profitable subject."
Thursday, Dec. 12. See his public Journal.
"Friday, Dec. 13. Spent the day mainly in labour
about my house. In the evening, spent some time in writing; but was very
weary, and much outdone with the labour of the day.
"Saturday, Dec. 14. Rose early, and wrote by candlelight some
considerable time: spent most of the day in writing; but was somewhat
dejected. In the evening was exercised with a pain in my head."
For the two next days see his public Journal. The remainder
of this week he spent chiefly in writing: some part of the time under
a degree of melancholy; but some part of it with a sweet ardency in religion.
"Saturday, Dec. 21. After my labours with the Indians,
I spent some time in writing some things divine and solemn; and was much
wearied with the labours of the day; found that my spirits were extremely
spent, and that I could to no more. I am conscious to myself that my labours
are as great and constant as my nature will bear, and that ordinarily
I go to the extent of my strength; so that I do all I can: but the misery
is, I do not labour with that heavenly temper, that single eye
to the glory of God, that I long for."
Lord's day, Dec. 22. See the public Journal.
"Monday and Tuesday, Dec. 23 and 24. Spent these
days in writing, with the utmost diligence. Felt in the main a sweet mortification
to the world, and a desire to live and labour only for God; but wanted
more warmth and spirituality, a more sensible and affectionate regard
to glory of God."
Wednesday, Dec. 25. See the public Journal.
"Thursday and Friday, Dec. 26 and 27. Laboured
in my studies, to the utmost of my strength; and though I felt a steady
disposition of mind to live to God, and that I had nothing in this world
to live for; yet I did not find that sensible affection in the service
of God, that I wanted to have; my heart seemed barren, though my head
and hands were full of labour."
For the four next days see his public Journal. (Footnote:
On the first of these days he wrote the sixth letter published among
his Remains.)
"Wednesday, Jan. 1, 1746. I am this day beginning
a new year; and God has carried me through numerous trials and
labours in the past. He has amazingly supported my feeble frame; for 'having
obtained help of God, I continue to this day.' O that I might live nearer
to God this year than I did the last! The business to which I have been
called, and which I have been enabled to go through, I know, has been
as great as nature could bear up under, and what would have sunk and overcome
me quite, without special support. But alas, alas! though I have done
the labours, and endured the trials, with what spirit have I done
the one, and borne the other? how cold has been the frame of my
heart oftentimes! and how little have I sensibly eyed the glory of God,
in all my doings and sufferings! I have found that I could have no peace
without filling up all my time with labours; and thus 'necessity has been
laid upon me;' yea, in that respect, I have loved to labour: but the misery
is, I could not sensibly labour for God, as I would have done.
May I for the future be enabled more sensibly to make the glory of God
my all!"
For the space from this time till the next Monday, see the public
Journal.
"Monday, Jan. 6. Being very weak in body, I rode
for my health. While riding, my thoughts were sweetly engaged, for a time,
upon 'the stone cut out of the mountain without hands, which brake in
pieces' all before it, and 'waxed great, and became a great mountain,
and filled the whole earth;' and I longed that Jesus should 'take to himself
his great power, and reign to the ends of the earth.' And oh, how sweet
were the moments, wherein I felt my soul warm with hopes of the enlargement
of the Redeemer's kingdom! I wanted nothing else but that Christ should
reign, to the glory of his blessed name."
The next day he complains of want of fervency.
"Wednesday, Jan. 8. In the evening my heart was
drawn out after God in secret: my soul was refreshed and quickened; and,
I trust, faith was in exercise. I had great hopes of the ingathering of
precious souls to Christ; not only among my own people, but others also.
I was sweetly resigned and composed under my bodily weakness; and was
willing to live or die, and desirous to labour for God to the utmost of
my strength.
"Thursday, Jan. 9. Was still very weak, and much exercised
with vapoury disorders. In the evening enjoyed some enlargement and spirituality
in prayer. Oh that I could always spend my time profitably, both in health
and weakness"
"Friday, Jan. 10. My soul was in a sweet, calm, composed frame,
and my heart filled with love to all the world; and christian simplicity
and tenderness seemed then to prevail and reign within me. Near night
visited a serious baptist minister, and had some agreeable conversation
with him; and found that I could taste God in friends."
For the four next days see the public Journal.
"Wednesday, Jan. 15. My spirits were very low and
flat, and I could not but think I was a burden to God's earth; and could
scarcely look any body in the face, through shame and sense of barrenness.
God pity a poor unprofitable creature!"
The two next days he had some comfort and refreshment. For the two
following days see the public Journal. The next day he
set out on a journey to Elizabeth-town, to confer with the Correspondents,
at their meeting there; and enjoyed much spiritual refreshment from day
to day, through this week. The things expressed in this space of time, are
such as these; serenity, composure, sweetness, and tenderness of soul; thanksgiving
to God for his success among the Indians; delight in prayer and praise;
sweet and profitable meditations on various divine subjects; longing for
more love, for more vigour to live to God, for a life more entirely devoted
to him, that he might spend all his time profitably for God and in his cause;
conversing on spiritual subjects with affection; and lamentation for unprofitableness.
"Lord's day, Jan. 26. [At Connecticut-Farms.] Was
calm and composed. Was made sensible of my utter inability to preach without
divine help; and was in some good measure willing to leave it with God,
to give or withhold assistance, as he saw would be most for his own glory.
Was favoured with a considerable degree of assistance in my public work.
After public worship, I was in a sweet and solemn frame of mind, thankful
to God that he had made me in some measure faithful in addressing precious
souls, but grieved that I had been no more fervent in my work; and was
tenderly affected towards all the world, longing that every sinner might
be saved; and could not have entertained any bitterness towards the worst
enemy living. In the evening rode to Elizabeth-town: while riding was
almost constantly engaged in lifting up my heart to God, lest I should
lose that sweet heavenly solemnity and composure of soul I then enjoyed.
Afterwards was pleased to think that God reigneth; and thought
I could never be uneasy with any of his dispensations; but must be entirely
satisfied, whatever trials he should cause me or his church to encounter.
Never felt more sedateness, divine serenity, and composure of mind; could
freely have left the dearest earthly friend, for the society of 'angels,
and spirits of just men made perfect:' my affections soared aloft to the
blessed Author of every dear enjoyment. I viewed the emptiness and unsatisfactory
nature of the most desirable earthly objects, any further than God is
seen in them: and longed for a life of spirituality and inward purity;
without which, I saw, there could be no true pleasure."
He retained a great degree of this excellent frame of mind the four next
days. As to his public services for and among the Indians, and his success
at this time, see the public Journal.
"Saturday, Feb. 1. Towards night enjoyed some of
the clearest thoughts on a divine subject, (viz. that treated of
1 Cor. xv. 13-16. 'But if there be no resurrection of the dead,' &c.)
that ever I remember to have had upon any subject whatsoever; and spent
two or three hours in writing them. I was refreshed with this intenseness:
my mind was so engaged in these meditations, I could scarcely turn it
to any thing else; and indeed I could not be willing to part with so sweet
an entertainment. ---
"Lord's day, Feb. 2. --- After public worship, my bodily strength
being much spent, my spirits sunk amazingly; and especially on hearing
that I was so generally taken to be a Roman catholic, sent by the
papists to draw the Indians into an insurrection against the English,
that some were in fear of me, and others were for having me taken up by
authority and punished. Alas, what will not the devil do to bring a slur
and disgrace on the work of God! Oh, how holy and circumspect had I need
to be! Through divine goodness, I have been enabled to 'mind my own business,'
in these parts, as well as elsewhere; and to let all men, and all denominations
of men, alone, as to their party notions; and only preached the
plain and necessary truths of Christianity, neither inviting to,
nor excluding from, my meeting any, of any sort or persuasion whatsoever.
Towards night the Lord gave me freedom at the throne of grace, in my first
prayer before my catechetical lecture: and in opening the 46th
Psalm to my people, my soul confided in God, although the wicked world
should slander and persecute me, or even condemn and execute me as a traitor
to my king and country. Truly God is a 'present help in time of trouble.'
In the evening my soul was in some measure comforted, having some hope
that one poor soul was brought home to God this day; though the case did
by no means appear clear. Oh that I could fill up every moment of time,
during my abode here below, in the service of my God and King.
"Monday, Feb. 3. My spirits were still much sunk with what
I heard the day before, of my being suspected to be engaged in the Pretender's
interest: it grieved me, that after there had been so much evidence of
a glorious work of grace among these poor Indians, as that the
most carnal men could not but take notice of the great change made
among them, so many poor souls should still suspect the whole to be only
a popish plot, and so cast an awful reproach on this blessed work
of the divine Spirit; and at the time wholly exclude themselves from receiving
any benefit by this divine influence. This put me upon searching whether
I had ever dropped any thing inadvertently, that might give occasion
to any to suspect that I was stirring up the Indians against the English:
and could think of nothing, unless it was my attempting sometimes to vindicate
the rights of the Indians, and complaining of the horrid practice of making
the Indians drunk, and then cheating them out of their lands and other
properties: and once, I remembered, I had done this with too much warmth
of spirit, which much distressed me; thinking that it might possibly prejudice
them against this work of grace, to their everlasting destruction. God,
I believe, did me good by this trial; which served to humble me, and show
me the necessity of watchfulness, and of being 'wise as a serpent,' as
well as 'harmless as a dove.' This exercise led me often to the throne
of grace; and there I found some support; though I could not get the burden
wholly removed. Was assisted in prayer, especially in the evening."
He remained still under a degree of exercise of mind about this affair;
which continued to have the same effect upon him, to cause him to reflect
upon, and humble himself, and frequent the throne of grace: but soon found
himself much more relieved and supported. He was, this week, in an extremely
weak state, and obliged (as he expresses it) "to consume considerable
time in diversions for his health." For Saturday, Feb. 7. and
the sabbath following, see his public Journal.
The Monday after he set out on a journey to the Forks of Delaware,
to visit the Indians there. He performed the journey under great weakness,
and sometimes was exercised with much pain; but says nothing of dejection
and melancholy. He arrived at his own house at the Forks on Friday.
The things appertaining to his inward frames and exercises, expressed within
this week, are, sweet composure of mind; thankfulness to God for his mercies
to him and others; resignation to the divine will; comfort in prayer and
religious conversation; his heart drawn out after God, and affected with
a sense of his own barrenness, as well as the fulness and freeness of divine
grace.
"Lord's day, Feb. 16. --- In the evening was in
a sweet composed frame of mind. It was exceeding refreshing and comfortable
to think that God had been with me, affording me some good measure of
assistance. I then found freedom and sweetness in prayer and thanksgiving
to God; and found my soul sweetly engaged and enlarged in prayer for dear
friends and acquaintance. Blessed be the name of the Lord, that ever I
am enabled to do any thing for his dear interest and kingdom. Blessed
be God who enables me to be faithful.--Enjoyed more resolution and courage
for God, and more refreshment of spirit, than I have been favoured with
for many weeks past.
"Monday, Feb. 17. --- I was refreshed and encouraged: found
a spirit of prayer, in the evening, and earnest longings for the illumination
and conversion of these poor Indians."
Tuesday, Feb. 18. See the public Journal.
"Wednesday, Feb. 19. --- My heart was comforted
and refreshed, and my soul filled with longings for the conversion of
the Indians here.
"Thursday, Feb. 20. --- God was pleased to support and refresh
my spirits, by affording me assistance this day, and so hopeful a prospect
of success. I returned home rejoicing and blessing the name of the Lord;
found freedom and sweetness afterwards in secret prayer, and had my soul
drawn out for dear friends. Oh, how blessed a thing is it, to labour for
God faithfully, and with encouragement of success! Blessed be the Lord
for ever and ever, for the assistance and comfort granted this day.
"Friday, Feb. 21. --- My soul was refreshed and comforted,
and I could not but bless God, who had enabled me in some good measure
to be faithful in the day past. Oh, how sweet it is to be spent and worn
out for God"
"Saturday, Feb. 22. --- My spirits were much supported, though
my bodily strength was much wasted. Oh that God would be gracious to the
souls of these poor Indians"
"God has been very gracious to me this week: he has enabled me to
preach every day; and has given me some assistance, and encouraging prospect
of success in almost every sermon. Blessed be his name. Divers of the
white people have been awakened this week, and sundry of the Indians much
cured of prejudices and jealousies they had conceived against Christianity,
and some seem to be really awakened."
Lord's day, Feb. 23. See the public Journal.--The next
day, he left the Forks of Delaware, to return to Crossweeksung; and
spent the whole week till Saturday, before he arrived there; but
preached by the way every day, excepting one; and was several times greatly
assisted; and had much inward comfort, and earnest longings to fill up all
his time in the service of God. He utters such expression as these, after
preaching: "Oh that I may be enabled to plead the cause of God faithfully,
to my dying moment! Oh how sweet it would be to spend myself wholly for
God, and in his cause, and to be freed from selfish motives in my labours."
For Saturday and Lord's day, March 1 and 2, see the public
Journal. The four next days were spent in great bodily weakness;
but he speaks of some seasons of considerable inward comfort.
"Thursday, March 6. I walked alone in the evening,
and enjoyed sweetness and comfort in prayer, beyond what I have of late
enjoyed: my soul rejoiced in my pilgrimage state, and I was delighted
with the thoughts of labouring and enduring hardness for God: felt
some longing desires to preach the gospel to dear immortal souls; and
confided in God, that he would be with me in my work, and
that he 'never would leave nor forsake me,' to the end of my race. Oh,
may I obtain mercy of God to be faithful to my dying moment"
"Friday, March 7. In the afternoon went on in my work with freedom
and cheerfulness, God assisting me; and enjoyed comfort in the evening."
For the two next days see the public Journal.
"Monday, March 10.--My soul was refreshed with
freedom and enlargement; and I hope, the lively exercise of faith, in
secret prayer, this night; my will was sweetly resigned to the divine
will, and my hopes respecting the enlargement of the dear kingdom of Christ
somewhat raised, and could commit Zion's cause to God as his own."
On Tuesday he speaks of some sweetness and spirituality in christian
conversation. On Wednesday complains that he enjoyed not much comfort
and satisfaction, through the day, because he did but little for God. On
Thursday spent considerable time in company, on a special occasion;
but in perplexity, because without savoury religious conversation. For Friday,
Saturday, and Lord's day, see the public Journal.
In the former part of the week following he was very ill; and also under
great dejection; being, as he apprehended, rendered unserviceable by illness,
and fearing that he should never be serviceable any more; and therefore
exceedingly longed for death. But afterwards was more encouraged, and life
appeared more desirable, because, as he says, he "had a little dawn
of hope, that he might be useful in the world." In the latter part
of the week he was in some measure relieved of his illness, in the use of
means prescribed by a physician.--For Saturday and Lord's day,
March 22 and 23, see his public Journal.
"Monday, March 24.--After the Indians were gone
to their work, to clear their lands, I got alone, and poured out my soul
to God, that he would smile upon these feeble beginnings, and that he
would settle an Indian town, that might be a mountain of holiness;
and found my soul much refreshed in these petitions, and much enlarged
for Zion's interest, and for numbers of dear friends in particular. My
sinking spirits were revived and raised, and I felt animated in the service
God has called me to. This was the dearest hour I have enjoyed for many
days, if not weeks. I found an encouraging hope, that something would
be done for God, and that God would use and help me in his work. And oh,
how sweet were the thoughts of labouring for God, when I felt any spirit
and courage, and had any hope that ever I should be succeeded!"
The next day his schoolmaster was taken sick with a pleurisy;
and he spent great part of the remainder of this week in attending him:
which in his weak state was almost an overbearing burden; he being obliged
constantly to wait upon him, from day to day, and to lie on the floor at
night. His spirits sunk in a considerable degree, with his bodily strength,
under this burden.--For Saturday and Lord's day, March 29
and 30, see the public Journal.
"Monday, March 31. Towards night enjoyed some sweet
meditations on those words: 'It is good for me to draw near to God.' My
soul, I think, had some sweet sense of what is intended in those words."
The next day he was extremely busy in tending the schoolmaster, and
in some other necessary affairs, that greatly diverted him from what he
looked upon as his proper business: but yet speaks of comfort and refreshment
at some times of the day.
"Wednesday, April 2. Was somewhat exercised with
a spiritless frame of mind; but was a little relieved and refreshed in
the evening with meditation alone in the woods. But, alas! my days pass
away as the chaff! it is but little I do, or can do, that turns
to any account; and it is my constant misery and burden, that I am so
fruitless in the vineyard of the Lord. Oh that I were spirit, that
I might be active for God. This, (I think,) more than any thing else,
makes me long, that 'this corruptible might put on incorruption, and this
mortal put on immortality.' God deliver me from clogs, fetters, and a
body of death, that impede my service for him."
The next day he complains bitterly of some exercises by corruption
he found in his own heart.
"Friday, April 4. Spent most of the day in writing
on Rev. xxii. 17. 'And whosoever will,' &c. Enjoyed some freedom and
encouragement in my work; and found some comfort in prayer.
"Saturday, April 5.--After public worship a number of my dear
christian Indians came to my house; with whom I felt a sweet union of
soul. My heart was knit to them; and I cannot say I have felt such a sweet
and fervent love to the brethren for some time past; and I saw
in them appearances of the same love. This gave me something of a view
of the heavenly state; and particularly that part of the happiness of
heaven, which consists in the communion of saints: and this was
affecting to me."
For the two next days see the public Journal. --- On Tuesday
he went to a meeting of the Presbytery appointed at Elizabeth-town. In his
way thither he enjoyed some sweet meditations; but after he came there he
was (as he expresses it) very vapoury and melancholy, and under an awful
gloom, that oppressed his mind. And this continued till Saturday
evening, when he began to have some relief and encouragement. He spent
the sabbath at Staten-Island; where he preached to an assembly of
Dutch and English, and enjoyed considerable refreshment and comfort, both
in public and private. In the evening he returned to Elizabeth-town.
"Monday April 14. My spirits this day were raised
and refreshed, and my mind composed, so that I was in a comfortable frame
of soul most of the day. In the evening my head was clear, my mind serene;
I enjoyed sweetness in secret prayer, and meditation on Ps. lxxiii. 28.
'But it is good for me to draw near to God,' &c. On, how free, how
comfortable, cheerful, and yet solemn, do I feel when I am in a good measure
freed from those damps and melancholy glooms, that I often labour under!
And blessed be the Lord, I find myself relieved in this respect.
"Tuesday, April 15. My soul longed for more spirituality;
and it was my burden, that I could do no more for God. Oh, my barrenness
is my daily affliction and heavy load! Oh, how precious is time: and how
it pains me, to see it slide away, while I do so very little to any good
purpose! Oh that God would make me more fruitful and spiritual."
The next day he speaks of his being almost overwhelmed with vapoury
disorders; but yet not so as wholly to destroy the composure of his mind.
"Thursday, April 17. Enjoyed some comfort in prayer,
some freedom in meditation, and composure in my studies. Spent some time
in writing in the forenoon. In the afternoon spent some time in conversation
with several dear ministers. In the evening preached from Ps. lxxiii.
28. 'But it is good for me to draw near to God.' God helped me to feel
the truth of my text, both in the first prayer and in sermon. I was enabled
to pour out my soul to God, with great freedom, fervency, and affection;
and blessed be the Lord, it was a comfortable season to me. I was enabled
to speak with tenderness, and yet with faithfulness; and divine truths
seemed to fall with weight and influence upon the hearers. My heart was
melted for the dear assembly, and I loved every body in it; and scarce
ever felt more love to immortal souls in my life: my soul cried, 'Oh that
the dear creatures might be saved! O that God would have mercy on them!'"
He seems to have been in a very comfortable frame of mind the two next
days.
"Lord's day, April 20. (Footnote: This day he entered
into the 29th year of his age.) Enjoyed some freedom, and, I hope, exercise
of faith in prayer, in the morning; especially when I came to pray for
Zion. I was free from that gloomy discouragement that so often oppresses
my mind; and my soul rejoiced in the hopes of Zion's prosperity, and the
enlargement of the dear kingdom of the great Redeemer. Oh that his kingdom
might come. ---
"Monday, April 21. Was composed and comfortable in mind most
of the day; and was mercifully freed from those gloomy damps that I am
frequently exercised with. Had freedom and comfort in prayer several times;
and especially had some rising hopes of Zion's enlargement and prosperity.
Oh, how refreshing were these hopes to my soul! Oh that the kingdom of
the dear Lord might come. Oh that the poor Indians might quickly be gathered
in, in great numbers"
"Tuesday, April 22. My mind was remarkably free this day from
melancholy damps and glooms, and animated in my work. I found such fresh
vigour and resolution in the service of God, that the mountains
seemed to become a plain before me. Oh, blessed be God for an interval
of refreshment, and fervent resolution in my Lord's work! In the evening
my soul was refreshed in secret prayer, and my heart drawn out for divine
blessings; especially for the church of God, and his interest among my
own people, and for dear friends in remote places. Oh that Zion might
prosper, and precious souls be brought home to God!"
In this comfortable, fervent frame of mind he remained the two next days.--For
the four days next following, viz. Friday, Saturday, Lord's day,
and Monday, see his public Journal.--On Tuesday he
went to Elizabeth-town, to attend the meeting of the Presbytery there: and
seemed to spend the time while absent from his people on this occasion,
in a free and comfortable state of mind.
"Saturday, May 3. Rode from Elizabeth-town home to my people,
at or near Cranberry; whither they are now removed, and where, I hope, God
will settle them as a christian congregation. Was refreshed in lifting up
my heart to God, while riding; and enjoyed a thankful frame of spirit for
divine favours received the week past. Was somewhat uneasy and dejected
in the evening; having no house of my own to go into in this place: but
God was my support." For Lord's day and Monday see the
public Journal.
"Tuesday, May 6. Enjoyed some spirit and courage
in my work; was in a good measure free from melancholy: blessed be God
for freedom from this death.
"Wednesday, May 7. Spent most of the day in writing, as usual.
Enjoyed some freedom in my work. Was favoured with some comfortable meditations
this day. In the evening was in a sweet composed frame of mind; was pleased
and delighted to leave all with God, respecting myself, for time and eternity,
and respecting the people of my charge, and dear friends. Had no doubt
but that God would take care of me, and of his own interest among my people;
and was enabled to use freedom in prayer, as a child with a tender father.
Oh, how sweet is such a frame"
"Thursday, May 8. In the evening was somewhat refreshed with
divine things, and enjoyed a tender, melting frame in secret prayer, wherein
my soul was drawn out for the interest of Zion, and comforted with the
lively hope of the appearing of the kingdom of the great Redeemer. These
were sweet moments: I felt almost loth to go to bed, and grieved that
sleep was necessary. However, I lay down with a tender, reverential fear
of God, sensible that 'his favour is life,' and his smiles better than
all that earth can boast of, infinitely better than life itself."
Friday, May 9. See the public Journal.
"Saturday, May 10. Rode to Allen's-town, to assist
in the administration of the Lord's supper. In the afternoon preached
from Tit. ii. 14. 'Who gave himself for us,' &c. God was pleased to
carry me through with some competency of freedom; and yet to deny me that
enlargement and power I longed for. In the evening my soul mourned, and
could not but mourn, that I had treated so excellent a subject in so defective
a manner; that I had borne so broken a testimony for so worthy and glorious
a Redeemer. And if my discourse had met with the utmost applause from
all the world, (as I accidentally heard it applauded by some persons of
judgement,) it would not have given me any satisfaction. Oh, it grieved
me to think, that I had had no more holy warmth and fervency, that I had
been no more melted in discoursing of Christ's death, and the end and
design of it! Afterwards enjoyed some freedom and fervency in secret and
family prayer, and longed much for the presence of God to attend his word
and ordinances the next day.
"Lord's day, May 11. Assisted in the administration of the
Lord's supper; but enjoyed little enlargement: was grieved and sunk with
some things I thought undesirable, &c. In the afternoon went to the
house of God weak and sick in soul, as well as feeble in body: and longed
that the people might be entertained and edified with divine truths, and
that an honest fervent testimony might be borne for God; but knew not
how it was possible for me to do any thing of that kind, to any
good purpose. Yet God, who is rich in mercy, was pleased to give me assistance,
both in prayer and preaching. God helped me to wrestle for his presence
in prayer, and to tell him that he had promises, 'Where two or three are
met together in his name, there he would be in the midst of them;' and
that we were, at least some of us, so met; and pleaded, that for his truth's
sake he would be with us. And blessed be God, it was sweet to my soul
thus to plead, and rely on God's promises. Discoursed upon Luke ix. 30,
31. 'And behold, there talked with him two men, which were Moses and Elias;
who appeared in glory, and spake of his decease, which he should accomplish
at Jerusalem.' Enjoyed special freedom, from the beginning to the end
of my discourse, without interruption. Things pertinent to the subject
were abundantly presented to my view; and such a fulness of matter, that
I scarce knew how to dismiss the various heads and particulars I had occasion
to touch upon. And, blessed be the Lord, I was favoured with some fervency
and power, as well as freedom; so that the word of God seemed to awaken
the attention of a stupid audience, to a considerable degree. I was inwardly
refreshed with the consolations of God; and could with my whole heart
say, 'Though there be no fruit in the vine, &c. yet will I rejoice
in the Lord.' After public service, was refreshed with the sweet conversation
of some christian friends."
The four next days seem to have been mostly spent with spiritual
comfort and profit.
"Friday, May 16. Near night enjoyed some agreeable
and sweet conversation with a dear minister, which, I trust, was blessed
to my soul. My heart was warmed, and my soul engaged to live to God; so
that I longed to exert myself with more vigour than ever I had done in
his cause: and those words were quickening to me, 'Herein is my Father
glorified, that ye bring forth much fruit.' Oh, my soul longed, and wished,
and prayed, to be enabled to live to God with utmost constancy and ardour!
In the evening God was pleased to shine upon me in secret prayer, and
draw out my soul after himself; and I had freedom in supplication for
myself, but much more in intercession for others: so that I was sweetly
constrained to say, 'Lord, use me as thou wilt; do as thou wilt with me:
but oh, promote thine own cause! Zion is thine; oh visit thine heritage!
Let thy kingdom come! Oh let thy blessed interest be advanced in the world!'
When I attempted to look to God, respecting my worldly circumstances,
and his providential dealings with me, in regard of my settling down in
my congregation, which seems to be necessary, and yet very difficult,
and contrary to my fixed intention for years past, as well as my disposition--which
has been, and still is, at times especially, to go forth, and spend my
life in preaching the gospel from place to place, and gathering souls
afar off to JESUS the great Redeemer--I could only say, 'The will
of the Lord be done; it is no matter for me.' The same frame of mind I
felt with respect to another important affair I have lately had some serious
thoughts of: I could say, with utmost calmness and composure, 'Lord, if
it be most for thy glory, let me proceed in it; but if thou seest that
it will in any wise hinder my usefulness in thy cause, oh prevent my proceeding:
for all I want, respecting this world, is such circumstances as may best
capacitate me to do service for God in the world.' But blessed he God,
I enjoyed liberty in prayer for my dear flock, and was enabled to pour
out my soul into the bosom of a tender Father: my heart within me was
melted, when I came to plead for my dear people, and for the kingdom of
Christ in general. Oh, how sweet was this evening to my soul! I knew not
how to go to bed; and when got to bed, longed for some way to improve
time for God, to some excellent purpose. Bless the Lord, O my soul.
"Saturday, May 17. Walked out in the morning, and felt much
of the same frame I enjoyed the evening before: had my heart enlarged
in praying for the advancement of the kingdom of Christ, and found the
utmost freedom in leaving all my concerns with God.
"I find discouragement to be an exceeding hinderance
to my spiritual fervency and affection: but when God enables me sensibly
to find that I have done something for him, this refreshes and
animates me, so that I could break through all hardships, undergo any
labours, and nothing seems too much either to do or to suffer. But oh,
what a death it is, to strive, and strive; to be always in a hurry,
and yet do nothing, or at least nothing for God! Alas, alas,
that time flies away, and I do so little for God"
"Lord's day, May 18. I felt my own utter insufficiency for
my work: God made me to see that I was a child; yea, that I was
a fool. I discoursed, both parts of the day, from Rev. iii. 20.
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock." God gave me freedom
and power in the latter part of my forenoon's discourse: although, in
the former part of it, I felt peevish and provoked with the unmannerly
behaviour of the white people, who crowded in between my people
and me; which proved a great temptation to me. But blessed be God, I got
these shackles off before the middle of my discourse, and was favoured
with a sweet frame of spirit in the latter part of the exercise; was full
of love, warmth, and tenderness, in addressing my dear people.--In the
intermission-season, could not but discourse to my people on the kindness
and patience of Christ in standing and knocking at the door,
&c.--In the evening I was grieved that I had done so little for God.
Oh that I could be a flame of fire in the service of my God!"
Monday, May 19. See the public Journal.--On Tuesday
he complains of want of freedom and comfort; but had some return of these
on Wednesday.
"Thursday, May 22. In the evening was in a frame
somewhat remarkable: had apprehended for several days before, that it
was the design of Providence I should settle among my people here;
and had in my own mind begun to make provision for it, and to contrive
means to hasten it; and found my heart something engaged in it, hoping
I might then enjoy more agreeable circumstances of life, in several respects:
and yet was never fully determined, never quite pleased with the thoughts
of being settled and confined to one place. Nevertheless I seemed to have
some freedom in that respect, because the congregation I thought of settling
with, was one that God had enabled me to gather from amongst pagans. For
I never, since I began to preach, could feel any freedom to 'enter into
other men's labours,' and settle down in the ministry where the 'gospel
was preached before.' I never could make that appear to be my province:
when I felt any disposition to consult my ease and worldly comfort, God
has never given me any liberty in that respect, either since or for some
years before I began to preach. But God having succeeded my labours, and
made me instrumental in gathering a church for him among these Indians,
I was ready to think, it might be his design to give me a quiet settlement
and a stated home of my own. And this, considering the late frequent sinking
and failure of my spirits, and the need I stood in of some agreeable society,
and my great desire of enjoying conveniencies and opportunities for profitable
studies, was not altogether disagreeable to me. Although I still wanted
to go about far and wide, in order to spread the blessed gospel among
benighted souls, far remote; yet I never had been so willing to settle
in any one place, for more than five years past, as I was in the foregoing
part of this week. But now these thoughts seem to be wholly dashed to
pieces; not by necessity, but of choice: for it appeared to me, that God's
dealings towards me had fitted me for a life of solitariness and hardship;
and that I had nothing to lose, nothing to do with earth, and consequently
nothing to lose by a total renunciation of it. It appeared to me just
right, that I should be destitute of house and home, and many comforts
of life, which I rejoiced to see others of God's people enjoy. And at
the same time, I saw so much of the excellency of Christ's kingdom, and
the infinite desirableness of its advancement in the world, that it swallowed
up all my other thoughts; and made me willing, yea, even rejoice, to be
made a pilgrim or hermit in the wilderness, to my dying moment, if I might
thereby promote the blessed interest of the great Redeemer. And if ever
my soul presented itself to God for his service, without any reserve of
any kind, it did so now. The language of my thoughts an disposition now
was, 'Here I am, Lord, send me; send me to the ends of the earth;
send me to the rough, the savage pagans of the wilderness; send me from
all that is called comfort in earth, or earthly comfort; send me even
to death itself, if it be but in thy service, and to promote thy kingdom.'
And at the same time I had as quick and lively a sense of the value of
worldly comforts, as ever I had; but only saw them infinitely overmatched
by the worth of Christ's kingdom, and the propagation of his blessed gospel.
The quiet settlement, the certain place of abode, the tender friendship,
which I thought I might be likely to enjoy in consequence of such circumstances,
appeared as valuable to me, considered absolutely and in themselves, as
ever before; but considered comparatively, they appeared nothing. Compared
with the value and preciousness of an enlargement of Christ's kingdom,
they vanished like the stars before the rising sun. And sure I am, that
although the comfortable accommodations of life appeared valuable and
dear to me, yet I did surrender and resign myself, soul and body, to the
service of God, and promotion of Christ's kingdom: though it should be
in the loss of them all. And I could not do any other, because I could
not will or choose any other. I was constrained, and yet chose, to say,
'Farewell, friends and earthly comforts, the dearest of them all, the
very dearest, if the Lord calls for it; adieu, adieu; I will spend my
life, to my latest moments, in caves and dens of the earth, if
the kingdom of Christ may thereby be advanced.' I found extraordinary
freedom at this time in pouring out my soul to God, for his cause; and
especially that his kingdom might be extended among the Indians, far remote;
and I had a great and strong hope, that God would do it. I continued wrestling
with God in prayer for my dear little flock here; and more especially
for the Indians elsewhere; as well as for dear friends in one place and
another; till it was bed-time, and I feared I should hinder the family,
&c. But oh, with what reluctancy did I find myself obliged to consume
time in sleep! I longed to be as a flame of fire, continually glowing
in the divine service, preaching and building up Christ's kingdom, to
my latest, my dying moment.
"Friday, May 23. In the morning was in the same frame of mind
as in the evening before. The glory of Christ's kingdom so much outshone
the pleasure of earthly accommodations and enjoyments, that they appeared
comparatively nothing, though in themselves good and desirable. My soul
was melted in secret meditation and prayer, and I found myself divorced
from any part in this world: so that in those affairs that seemed of the
greatest importance to me, in respect of the present life, and those wherein
the tender powers of the mind are most sensibly touched, I could only
say, 'The will of the Lord be done.' But just the same things that I felt
the evening before, I felt now; and found the same freedom in prayer for
the people of my charge, for the propagation of the gospel among the Indians,
and for the enlargement and spiritual welfare of Zion in general, and
my dear friends in particular, now, as I did then; and longed to burn
out in one continued flame for God. Retained much of the same frame through
the day. In the evening was visited by my brother John Brainerd; the first
visit I have ever received from any near relative since I have been a
missionary. Felt the same frame of spirit in the evening as in the morning;
and found that 'it was good for me to draw near to God,' and leave all
my concerns and burdens with him. Was enlarged and refreshed in pouring
out my soul for the propagation of the gospel of the Redeemer among the
distant tribes of Indians. Blessed be God. If ever I filled up a day with
studies and devotion, I was enabled so to fill up this day.
"Saturday, May 24. --- Enjoyed this day something of the same
frame of mind as I felt the day before."
Lord's day, May 25. See the public Journal.--This week,
at least the former of it, he was in a very weak state: but yet seems to
have been free from melancholy, which often had attended the failing of
his bodily strength. He from time to time speaks of comfort and inward refreshment,
this week.--Lord's day, June 1. See the public Journal.
"Monday, June 2. In the evening enjoyed some freedom
in secret prayer and meditation.
"Tuesday, June 3. My soul rejoiced, early in the morning,
to think, that all things were at God's disposal. Oh, it pleased me to
leave them there! Felt afterwards much as I did on Thursday evening, May
22, last; and continued in this frame for several hours. Walked out into
the wilderness, and enjoyed freedom, fervency, and comfort in prayer;
and again enjoyed the same in the evening.
"Wednesday, June 4. Spent the day in writing, and enjoyed
some comfort, satisfaction, and freedom in my work. In the evening I was
favoured with a sweet refreshing frame of soul in secret prayer and meditation.
Prayer was now wholly turned into praise, and I could do little else but
try to adore and bless the living God. The wonders of his grace displayed
in gathering to himself a church among the poor Indians here, were the
subject matter of my meditation, and the occasion of exciting my soul
to praise and bless his name. My soul was scarce ever more disposed to
inquire, 'What I should render to God for all his benefits,' than at this
time. Oh, I was brought into a strait, a sweet and happy strait, to know
what to do! I longed to make some returns to God; but found I had nothing
to return: I could only rejoice, that God had done the work himself; and
that none in heaven or earth might pretend to share the honour of it with
him. I could only be glad, that God's declarative glory was advanced by
the conversion of these souls, and that it was to the enlargement of his
kingdom in the world: but saw I was so poor, that I had nothing to offer
to him. My soul and body, through grace, I could cheerfully surrender
to him: but it appeared to me, this was rather a cumber than a gift; and
nothing could I do to glorify his dear and blessed name. Yet I was glad
at heart that he was unchangeably possessed of glory and blessedness.
Oh that he might be adored and praised by all his intelligent creatures,
to the utmost of their power and capacities! My soul would have rejoiced
to see others praise him, though I could do nothing towards it myself."
The next day he speaks of his being subject to some degree of melancholy;
but of being somewhat relieved in the evening.--Friday, June 6. See
the public Journal.
"Saturday, June 7. Rode to Freehold to assist Mr.
Tennent in the administration of the Lord's supper. In the afternoon preached
from Psal. lxxiii. 28. 'But it is good for me to draw near to God,' &c.
God gave me some freedom and warmth in my discourse; and I trust his presence
was in the assembly. Was comfortably composed, and enjoyed a thankful
frame of spirit; and my soul was grieved that I could not render something
to God for his benefits bestowed. O that I could he swallowed up in his
praise"
"Lord's day, June 8. Spent much time, in the morning, in secret
duties; but between hope and fear, respecting the enjoyment of God in
the business of the day then before us. Was agreeably entertained in the
forenoon, by a discourse from Mr. Tennent, and felt somewhat melted and
refreshed. In the season of communion, enjoyed some comfort; and especially
in serving one of the tables. Blessed be the Lord, it was a time of
refreshing to me, and I trust to many others. A number of my dear
people sat down by themselves at the last table; at which time God seemed
to be in the midst of them. --- And the thoughts of what God had done
among them were refreshing and melting to me. In the afternoon God enabled
me to preach with uncommon freedom, from 2 Cor. v. 20. 'Now then we are
ambassadors for Christ,' &c. Through the great goodness of God, I
was favoured with a constant flow of pertinent matter, and proper expressions,
from the beginning to the end of my discourse. In the evening I could
not but rejoice in God, and bless him for the manifestations of grace
in the day past. Oh, it was a sweet and solemn day and evening! a season
of comfort to the godly, and of awakening to some souls. Oh that I
could praise the Lord"
"Monday, June 9. Enjoyed some sweetness in secret duties.--Preached
the concluding sermon from Gen. v. 24. 'And Enoch walked with God,"
&c. God gave me enlargement and fervency in my discourse; so that
I was enabled to speak with plainness and power; and God's presence seemed
to be in the assembly. Praised be the Lord, it was a sweet meeting, a
desirable assembly. I found my strength renewed, and lengthened out, even
to a wonder; so that I felt much stronger at the conclusion than in the
beginning of this sacramental solemnity. I have great reason to bless
God for this solemnity, wherein I have found assistance in addressing
others, and sweetness in my own soul."
On Tuesday he found himself spent and his spirits exhausted by his
late labours; and on Wednesday complains of vapoury disorders, and
dejection of spirit, and of enjoying but little comfort or spirituality.
"Thursday, June 12. In the evening enjoyed freedom
of mind, and some sweetness in secret prayer: it was a desirable season
to me; my soul was enlarged in prayer for my own dear people, and for
the enlargement of Christ's kingdom, and especially for the propagation
of the gospel among the Indians, back in the wilderness. Was refreshed
in prayer for dear friends in New England, and elsewhere: I found it sweet
to pray at this time; and could with all my heart say, 'It is good for
me to draw near to God.'
"Friday, June 13. --- I came away from the meeting of the
Indians this day, rejoicing and blessing God for his grace manifested
at this season.
"Saturday, June 14. Rode to Kingston, to assist the Rev. Mr.
Wales in the administration of the Lord's supper. In the afternoon preached;
but, almost fainted in pulpit: yet God strengthened me when I was just
gone, and enabled me to speak his word with freedom, fervency, and application
to the conscience. And, praised be the Lord, 'out of weakness I was made
strong.' I enjoyed some sweetness in and after public worship; but was
extremely tired. Oh, how many are the mercies of the Lord! 'To them that
have no might, he increaseth strength.'
"Lord's day, June 15. Was in a dejected, spiritless frame,
that I could not hold up my head, nor look any body in the face. Administered
the Lord's supper at Mr. Wales's desire; and found myself in a good measure
unburdened and relieved of my pressing load, when I came to ask a blessing
on the elements: here God gave me enlargement, and a tender affectionate
sense of spiritual things; so that it was a season of comfort, in some
measure, to me, and, I trust, more so to others. In the afternoon preached
to a vast multitude, from Rev. xxii. 17. 'And whosoever will,' &c.
God helped me to offer a testimony for himself, and to leave sinners inexcusable
in neglecting his grace. I was enabled to speak with such freedom, fluency,
and clearness, as commanded the attention of the great. Was extremely
tired, in the evening, but enjoyed composure and sweetness.
"Monday, June 16. Preached again; and God helped me amazingly,
so that this was a sweet, refreshing season to my soul and others. Oh,
for ever blessed be God for help afforded at this time, when my body was
so weak, and while there was so large an assembly to hear. Spent the afternoon
in a comfortable, agreeable manner."
The next day was spent comfortably.--On Wednesday he went
to a meeting of ministers at Hopewell.--Thursday, June 19. See his
public Journal. (Footnote: The public Journal that has been so often referred
to, concludes with the account of this day.)--On Friday and Saturday
he was very much amiss; but yet preached to his people on Saturday. His
illness continued on the sabbath; but he preached, notwithstanding,
to his people both parts of the day; and after the public worship was ended,
he endeavoured to apply divine truths to the consciences of some, and addressed
them personally for that end; several were in tears, and some appeared much
affected. But he was extremely wearied with the services of the day, and
was so ill at night that he could have no bodily rest; but remarks, that
"God was his support, and that he was not left destitute of comfort
in him." On Monday he continued very ill, but speaks of his
mind being calm and composed, resigned to the divine dispensations, and
content with his feeble state. By the account he gives of himself, the remaining
part of this week, he continued very feeble, for the most part dejected
in mind. He enjoyed no great freedom nor sweetness in spiritual things;
excepting that for some very short spaces of time he had refreshment and
encouragement, which engaged his heart on divine things; and sometimes his
heart was melted with spiritual affection.
"Lord's day, June 29. Preached, both parts of the
day, from John xiv. 19. 'Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no
more,' &c. God was pleased to assist me, to afford me both freedom
and power, especially towards the close of my discourses, both forenoon
and afternoon. God's power appeared in the assembly, in both exercises.
Numbers of God's people were refreshed and melted with divine things;
one or two comforted, who had been long under distress: convictions, in
divers instances, powerfully revived; and one man in years much awakened,
who had not long frequented our meeting, and appeared before as stupid
as a stock. God amazingly renewed and lengthened out my strength. I was
so spent at noon, that I could scarce walk, and all my joints trembled;
so that I could not sit, nor so much as hold my hand still: and yet God
strengthened me to preach with power in the afternoon; although I had
given out word to my people that I did not expect to be able to do it.
Spent some time afterwards in conversing, particularly, with several persons,
about their spiritual state; and had some satisfaction concerning one
or two. Prayed afterwards with a sick child, and gave a word of exhortation.
Was assisted in all my work. Blessed be God. Returned home with
more health. than I went out with; although my linen was wringing wet
upon me, from a little after ten in the morning till past five in the
afternoon. My spirits also were considerably refreshed; and my soul rejoiced
in hope, that I had through grace done something for God. In the evening
walked out, and enjoyed a sweet season in secret prayer and praise. But
oh, I found the truth of the psalmist's words, 'My goodness extendeth
not to thee!' I could not make any returns to God; I longed to live only
to him, and to be in tune for his praise and service for ever. Oh, for
spirituality and holy fervency, that I might spend and be spent
for God to my latest moment"
"Monday, June 30. Spent the day in writing; but under much
weakness and disorder. Felt the labours of the preceding day; although
my spirits were so refreshed the evening before, that I was not then sensible
of my being spent.
"Tuesday, July 1. In the afternoon visited and preached to
my people, from Heb. ix. 27. 'And as it is appointed unto men once to
die,' &c. on occasion of some persons lying at the point of death,
in my congregation. God gave me some assistance; and his word made some
impressions on the audience, in general. This was an agreeable and comfortable
evening to my soul: my spirits were somewhat refreshed, with a small degree
of freedom and help enjoyed in my work."
On Wednesday he went to Newark, to a meeting of the Presbytery: complains
of lowness of spirits; and greatly laments his spending his time so unfruitfully.
The remaining part of the week he spent there and at Elizabeth-town;
and speaks of comfort and divine assistance from day to day; but yet greatly
complains for want of more spirituality.
"Lord's day, July 6. [At Elizabeth-town] Enjoyed
some composure and serenity of mind in the morning: heard Mr. Dickinson
preach in the forenoon, and was refreshed with his discourse; was in a
melting frame some part of the time of sermon: partook of the Lord's supper,
and enjoyed some sense of divine things in that ordinance. In the afternoon
I preached from Ezek. xxxiii. 11. 'As I live, saith the Lord God,' &c.
God favoured me with freedom and fervency; and helped me to plead his
cause beyond my own power.
"Monday, July 7. My spirits were considerably refreshed and
raised in the morning. There is no comfort, I find, in any enjoyment,
without enjoying God, and being engage in his service. In the evening
had the most agreeable conversation that ever I remember in all my life,
upon God's being all in all, and all enjoyments being just that
to us which God makes them, and no more. It is good to begin and end with
God. Oh, how does a sweet solemnity lay a foundation for true pleasure
and happiness"
"Tuesday, July 8. Rode home, and enjoyed some agreeable meditations
by the way.
"Wednesday, July 9. Spent the day in writing; enjoyed some
comfort and refreshment of spirit in my evening retirement.
"Thursday, July 10. Spent most of the day in writing. Towards
night rode to Mr. Tennent's; enjoyed some agreeable conversation: went
home, in the evening, in a solemn, sweet frame of mind; was refreshed
in secret duties, longed to live wholly and only for God, and saw plainly
there was nothing in the world worthy of my affection; so that my heart
was dead to all below; yet not through dejection, as at some times, but
from views of a better inheritance.
"Friday, July 11. Was in a calm, composed frame in the morning,
especially in the season of my secret retirement. I think I was well pleased
with the will of God, whatever it was, or should be, in all respects I
had then any thought of. Intending to administer the Lord's supper the
next Lord's day, I looked to God for his presence and assistance upon
that occasion; but felt a disposition to say, 'The will of the Lord be
done,' whether it be to give me assistance, or not. Spent some little
time in writing: visited the Indians, and spent some time in serious conversation
with them; thinking it not best to preach, many of them being absent.
"Saturday, July 12. This day was spent in fasting and prayer
by my congregation, as preparatory to the sacrament. I discoursed, both
parts of the day, from Rom. iv. 25. 'Who was delivered for our offences,'
&c. God gave me some assistance in my discourses, and something of
divine power attended the word; so that this was an agreeable season.
Afterwards led them to a solemn renewal of their covenant, and fresh dedication
of themselves to God. This was a season both of solemnity and sweetness,
and God seemed to be 'in the midst of us.' Returned to my lodgings, in
the evening, in a comfortable frame of mind'.
"Lord's day, July 13. In the forenoon discoursed on the bread
of life, from John vi. 35. God gave me some assistance, in part of
my discourse especially; and there appeared some tender affection in the
assembly under divine truths; my soul also was somewhat refreshed. Administered
the sacrament of the Lord's supper to thirty-one persons of the Indians.
God seemed to be present in this ordinance; the communicants were sweetly
melted and refreshed, most of them. Oh, how they melted, even when the
elements were first uncovered! There was scarcely a dry eye among them
when I took off the linen, and showed them the symbols of Christ's broken
body. --- Having rested a little, after the administration of the
sacrament, I visited the communicants, and found them generally in a sweet,
loving frame; not unlike what appeared among them on the former sacramental
occasion, on April 27. In the afternoon, discoursed upon coming to
Christ, and the satisfaction of those who do so, from the same
verse I insisted on in the forenoon. This was likewise an agreeable season,
a season of much tenderness, affection, and enlargement in divine service;
and God, I am persuaded, crowned our assembly with his divine presence.
I returned home much spent, yet rejoicing in the goodness of God.
"Monday, July 14. Went to my people, and discoursed to them
from Psal. cxix. 106. 'I have sworn, and I will perform it,' &c. Observed,
1. That all God's judgments or commandments are righteous.
2. That God's people have sworn to keep them; and this they
do especially at the Lord's table. There appeared to be a powerful divine
influence on the assembly, and considerable melting under the word. Afterwards
I led them to a renewal of their covenant before God, (that they would
watch over themselves and one another, lest they should fall into sin
and dishonour the name of Christ,) just as I did on Monday, April 28.
This transaction was attended with great solemnity; and God seemed to
own it by exciting in them a fear and jealousy of themselves, lest they
should sin against God; so that the presence of God seemed to be amongst
us in this conclusion of the sacramental solemnity."
The next day he set out on a journey towards Philadelphia; from whence
he did not return till Saturday. He went this journey, and spent the week,
under a great degree of illness of body, and dejection of mind.
"Lord's day, July 20. Preached twice to my people,
from John xvii. 24. 'Father, I will that they also, whom thou hast given
me, be with me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast
given me.' Was helped to discourse with great clearness and plainness
in the forenoon. In the afternoon, enjoyed some tenderness, and spake
with some influence. Divers were in tears; and some, to appearance, in
distress.
"Monday, July 2l. Preached to the Indians, chiefly for the
sake of some strangers. Then proposed my design of taking a journey
speedily to Susquehannah: exhorted my people to pray for me, that God
would be with me in that journey, &c. Then chose divers persons of
the congregation to travel with me. Afterwards spent some time in discoursing
to the strangers, and was somewhat encouraged with them. Took care
of my people's secular business, and was not a little exercised with it.
Had some degree of composure and comfort in secret retirement.
"Tuesday, July 22. Was in a dejected frame most of the day:
wanted to wear out life, and have it at an end; but had some desires of
living to God, and wearing out life for him. Oh that
I could indeed do so!"
The next day, he went to Elizabeth-town, to a meeting of the Presbytery;
and spent this, and Thursday, and the former part of Friday,
under a very great degree of melancholy, and exceeding gloominess of mind;
not through any fear of future punishment, but as being distressed with
a senselessness of all good, so that the whole world appeared empty and
gloomy to him. But in the latter part of Friday he was greatly relieved
and comforted.
"Saturday, July 26. Was comfortable in the morning;
my countenance and heart were not sad, as in days past; enjoyed some sweetness
in lifting up my heart to God. Rode home to my people, and was in a comfortable,
pleasant frame by the way; my spirits were much relieved of their burden,
and I felt free to go through all difficulties and labours in my Master's
service.
"Lord's day, July 27. Discoursed to my people, in the forenoon,
from Luke xii. 37. on the duty and benefit of watching: God helped
me in the latter part of my discourse, and the power of God appeared in
the assembly. In the afternoon discoursed from Luke xiii. 25. 'When once
the master of the house is risen up,' &c. Here also I enjoyed some
assistance, and the Spirit of God seemed to attend what was spoken, so
that there was a great solemnity, and some tears among Indians and others.
"Monday, July 28. Was very weak, and scarce able to perform
any business at all; but enjoyed sweetness and comfort in prayer, both
morning and evening; and was composed and comfortable through the day:
my mind was intense, and my heart fervent, at least in some degree, in
secret duties; and I longed to spend and be spent for God.
"Tuesday, July 29. My mind was cheerful, and free from those
melancholy damps that I am often exercised with: had freedom in looking
up to God at sundry times in the day. In the evening I enjoyed a comfortable
season in secret prayer; was helped to plead with God for my own dear
people, that he would carry on his own blessed work among them; was assisted
also in praying for the divine presence to attend me in my intended journey
to Susquehannah; and was helped to remember dear brethren and friends
in New England. I scarce knew how to leave the throne of grace, and it
grieved me that I was obliged to go to bed; I longed to do something for
God, but knew not how. Blessed be God for this freedom from dejection.
"Wednesday, July 30. Was uncommonly comfortable, both in body
and mind; in the forenoon especially: my mind was solemn, I was assisted
in my work, and God seemed to be near to me; so that the day was as comfortable
as most I have enjoyed for some time. In the evening was favoured with
assistance in secret prayer, and felt much as I did the evening before.
Blessed be God for that freedom I then enjoyed at the throne of grace,
for myself, my people, and my dear friends. It is good for me to draw
near to God."
He seems to have continued very much in the same free, comfortable state
of mind the next day.
"Friday, Aug. 1. In the evening enjoyed a sweet
season in secret prayer; clouds of darkness and perplexing care were sweetly
scattered, and nothing anxious remained. Oh, how serene was my mind at
this season! how free from that distracting concern I have often felt!
'Thy will be done,' was a petition sweet to my soul; and if God had bidden
me choose for myself in any affair, I should have chosen rather to have
referred the choice to him; for I saw he was infinitely wise, and could
not do any thing amiss, as I was in danger of doing. Was assisted in prayer
for my dear flock, that God would promote his own work among them, and
that God would go with me in my intended journey to Susquehannah: was
helped to remember dear friends in New England, and my dear brethren in
the ministry. I found enough in the sweet duty of prayer to have engaged
me to continue in it the whole night, would my bodily state have admitted
of it. Oh, how sweet it is to be enabled heartily to say, Lord, not
my will, but thine be done"
"Saturday, Aug. 2. Near night preached from Matt. xi. 29. 'Take
my yoke upon you,' &c. Was considerably helped; and the presence of
God seemed to be somewhat remarkably in the assembly; divine truths made
powerful impressions, both upon saints and sinners. Blessed be God for
such a revival among us. In the evening was very weary, but found my spirits
supported and refreshed.
"Lord's day, Aug. 3. Discoursed to my people, in the forenoon,
from Col. iii. 4. and observed, that Christ is the believer's life.
God helped me, and gave me his presence in this discourse; and it was
a season of considerable power in the assembly. In the afternoon preached
from Luke xix. 41, 42. 'And when he was come near, he beheld the city,'
&c. I enjoyed some assistance; though not so much as in the forenoon.
In the evening I enjoyed freedom and sweetness in secret prayer; God enlarged
my heart, freed me from melancholy damps, and gave me satisfaction in
drawing near to himself. Oh that my soul could magnify the Lord, for
these seasons of composure and resignation to his will"
"Monday, Aug. 4. Spent the day in writing; enjoyed much freedom
and assistance in my work: was in a composed and comfortable frame most
of the day; and in the evening enjoyed some sweetness in prayer. Blessed
be God, my spirits were yet up, and I was free from sinking damps; as
I have been in general ever since I came from Elizabeth-town last. Oh
what a mercy is this"
"Tuesday, Aug. 5. Towards night preached at the funeral of one
of my Christians, from Isa. lvii. 2. 'He shall enter into peace,' &c.
I was oppressed with the nervous headache, and considerably dejected:
however, had a little freedom some part of the time I was discoursing.
Was extremely weary in the evening; but notwithstanding, enjoyed some
liberty and cheerfulness of mind in prayer: and found the dejection that
I feared, much removed, and my spirits considerably refreshed."
He continued in a very comfortable, cheerful frame of mind the next day,
with his heart enlarged in the service of God.
"Thursday, Aug. 7. Rode to my house, where I spent
the last winter, in order to bring some things I needed for my Susquehannah
journey: was refreshed to see that place, which God so marvellously visited
with the showers of his grace. Oh how amazing did the power of God
often appear there! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his
benefits."
The next day he speaks of liberty, enlargement, and sweetness of
mind in prayer and religious conversation.
"Saturday, Aug. 9. In the afternoon visited my
people; set their affairs in order, as much as possible, and contrived
for them the management of their worldly business; discoursed to them
in a solemn manner, and concluded with prayer. Was composed and comfortable
in the evening, and somewhat fervent in secret prayer; had some sense
and view of the eternal world, and found a serenity of mind. Oh that I
could magnify the Lord for any freedom he affords me in prayer"
"Lord's day, Aug. 10. Discoursed to my people, both parts
of the day, from Acts iii. 19. 'Repent ye, therefore,' &c. In discoursing
of repentance in the forenoon, God helped me, so that my discourse
was searching; some were in tears, both of the Indians and white people,
and the word of God was attended with some power. In the intermission
I was engaged in discoursing to some in order to their baptism; as well
as with one who had then lately met with some comfort, after spiritual
trouble and distress. In the afternoon was somewhat assisted again, though
weak and weary. Afterwards baptized six persons; three adults,
and three children. Was in a comfortable frame in the evening, and enjoyed
some satisfaction in secret prayer. I scarce ever in my life felt myself
so full of tenderness as this day.
"Monday, Aug. 11. Being about to set out on a journey to Susquehannah
the next day, with leave of Providence, I spent some time this day in
prayer with my people, that God would bless and succeed my intended journey;
that he would send forth his blessed Spirit with his word, and set up
his kingdom among the poor Indians in the wilderness. While I was opening
and applying part of the 110th and 2d Psalms, the power of God
seemed to descend on the assembly in some measure; and while I was making
the first prayer, numbers were melted, and I found some affectionate enlargement
of soul myself. Preached from Acts iv. 31. 'And when they had prayed,
the place was shaken,' &c. God helped me, and my interpreter also:
there was a shaking and melting among us; and divers, I doubt not, were
in some measure 'filled with the Holy Ghost.' Afterwards Mr. Macknight
prayed: I then opened the two last stanzas of the 72d Psalm; at which
time God was present with us; especially while I insisted upon the promise
of all nations blessing the great Redeemer. My soul was
refreshed to think, that this day, this blessed glorious season, should
surely come; and I trust, numbers of my dear people were also refreshed.
Afterwards prayed; had some freedom, but was almost spent: then walked
out, and left my people to carry on religious exercises among themselves:
they prayed repeatedly, and sung, while I rested and refreshed myself.
Afterwards went to the meeting; prayed with and dismissed the assembly.
Blessed be God, this has been a day of grace. There were many tears and
affectionate sobs among us this day. In the evening my soul was refreshed
in prayer: enjoyed liberty at the throne of grace, in praying for my people
and friends, and the church of God in general. Bless the Lord, O my
soul."
The next day he set out on his journey towards Susquehannah, and
six of his christian Indians with him, whom he had chosen out of his congregation,
as those that he judged most fit to assist him in the business he was going
upon. He took his way through Philadelphia; intending to go to Susquehannah
river, far down, where it is settled by the white people, below the country
inhabited by the Indians; and so to travel up the river to the Indian habitations.
For although this was much farther about, yet hereby he avoided the huge
mountains, and hideous wilderness, that must be crossed in the nearer way;
which in time past he found to be extremely difficult and fatiguing. He
rode this week as far as Charlestown, a place of that name about thirty
miles westward of Philadelphia; where he arrived on Friday: and in
his way hither was, for the most part, in a composed, comfortable state
of mind.
"Saturday, Aug. 16. [At Charlestown] It being a day kept
by the people of the place where I now was, as preparatory to the celebration
of the Lord's supper, I tarried; heard Mr. Treat preach; and then preached
myself. God gave me some good degree of freedom, and helped me to discourse
with warmth, and application to the conscience. Afterwards I was refreshed
in spirit, though much tired; and spent the evening agreeably, having
some freedom in prayer, as well as christian conversation.
"Lord's day, Aug. 17. Enjoyed liberty, composure, and satisfaction,
in the secret duties of the morning: had my heart somewhat enlarged in
prayer for dear friends, as well as for myself. In the forenoon attended
Mr. Treat's preaching, partook of the Lord's supper, five of my people
also communicating in this holy ordinance: I enjoyed some enlargement
and outgoing of soul in this season. In the afternoon preached from Ezek.
xxxiii. 11. 'Say unto them, As I live, saith the Lord God,' &c. Enjoyed
not so much sensible assistance as the day before: however, was helped
to some fervency in addressing immortal souls. Was somewhat confounded
in the evening, because I thought I had done little or nothing for God;
yet enjoyed some refreshment of spirit in christian conversation and prayer.
Spent the evening, till near midnight, in religious exercises; and found
my bodily strength, which was much spent when I came from the public worship,
something renewed before I went to bed.
"Monday, Aug. 18. Rode on my way towards Paxton, upon Susquehannah
river. Felt my spirits sink, towards night, so that I had little comfort.
"Tuesday, Aug. 19. Rode forward still; and at night lodged
by the side of Susquehannah. Was weak and disordered both this and the
preceding day, and found my spirits considerably damped, meeting with
none that I thought godly people.
"Wednesday, Aug. 20. Having lain in a cold sweat all night,
I coughed much bloody matter this morning, and was under great disorder
of body, and not a little melancholy; but what gave me some encouragement,
was, I had a secret hope that I might speedily get a dismission from earth,
and all its toils and sorrows. Rode this day to one Chambers', upon Susquehannah,
and there lodged. Was much afflicted, in the evening, with an ungodly
crew, drinking, swearing, &c. Oh, what a hell would it be,
to be numbered with the ungodly! Enjoyed some agreeable conversation
with a traveller, who seemed to have some relish of true religion.
"Thursday, Aug. 21. Rode up the river about fifteen miles,
and there lodged, in a family that appeared quite destitute of God. Laboured
to discourse with the man about the life of religion, but found him very
artful in evading such conversation. Oh, what a death it is to some to
hear of the things of God! Was out of my element; but was not so
dejected as at some times.
"Friday, Aug. 22. Continued my course up the river; my people
now being with me, who before were parted from me; travelled above all
the English settlements; at night lodged in the open woods; and slept
with more comfort than while among an ungodly company of white people.
Enjoyed some liberty in secret prayer this evening; and was helped to
remember dear friends, as well as my dear flock, and the church of God
in general.
"Saturday, Aug. 23. Arrived at the Indian town, called Shaumoking,
near night. Was not so dejected as formerly; but yet somewhat exercised.
Felt somewhat composed in the evening; enjoyed some freedom in leaving
my all with God. Through the great goodness of God, I enjoyed some
liberty of mind; and was not distressed with a despondency, as frequently
heretofore.
"Lord's day, Aug. 24. Towards noon, visited some of the Delawares,
and discoursed with them about Christianity. In the afternoon discoursed
to the king, and others, upon divine things; who seemed to dispose
to hear. Spent most of the day in these exercises. In the evening enjoyed
some comfort and satisfaction; and especially had some sweetness in secret
prayer. This duty was made so agreeable to me, that I loved to walk abroad
and repeatedly engage in it. Oh, how comfortable is a little glimpse
of God"
"Monday, Aug. 25. Spent most of the day in writing. Sent out
my people that were with me, to talk with the Indians, and contract a
friendship and familiarity with them, that I might have a better opportunity
of treating with them about Christianity. Some good seemed to be done
by their visit this day, divers appeared willing to hearken to Christianity.
My spirits were a little refreshed this evening; and I found some liberty
and satisfaction in prayer.
"Tuesday, Aug. 26. About noon discoursed to a considerable
number of Indians: God helped me, I am persuaded: I was enabled to speak
with much plainness, and some warmth and power. The discourse had impression
upon some, and made them appear very serious. I thought things now appeared
as encouraging, as they did at Crossweeks. At the time of my first visit
to those Indians, I was a little encouraged: I pressed things with all
my might; and called out my people, who were then present, to give in
their testimony for God; which they did. Towards night was refreshed;
felt a heart to pray for the setting up of God's kingdom here; as well
as for my dear congregation below, and my dear friends elsewhere.
"Wednesday, Aug. 27. There having been a thick smoke in the
house where I lodged all night before, whereby I was almost choked, I
was this morning distressed with pains in my head and neck, and could
have no rest. In the morning the smoke was still the same; and a cold
easterly storm gathering, I could neither live within doors nor without
any long time together. I was pierced with the rawness of the air abroad,
and in the house distressed with the smoke. I was this day very vapoury,
and lived in great distress, and had not health enough to do any thing
to any purpose.
"Thursday, Aug. 28. In the forenoon I was under great concern
of mind about my work. Was visited by some who desired to hear me preach;
discoursed to them, in the afternoon, with some fervency, and laboured
to persuade them to turn to God. Was full of concern for the kingdom
of Christ, and found some enlargement of soul in prayer, both in secret
and in my family. Scarce ever saw more clearly, than this day, that it
is God's work to convert souls, and especially poor heathens.
I knew I could not touch them; I saw I could only speak to dry
bones, but could give them no sense of what I said. My eyes
were up to God for help: I could say, the work wa |